THE HELL WITH THAT

Dear Blog

2008-09-11T12:35:00.003-04:00

Hello, it's been awhile. I lot has happened in the last 11 months, blog. I've changed, and I can see that you have changed as well.

But I think that there is still something between us. And in any event, I think I need you now. Let's see if we can kiss and make up.

I'll be back.

Smells like... burning?

2007-10-12T09:06:00.001-04:00

I think I mentioned earlier that I am getting crafty and making save-the-date cards for the wedding.

I originally just wanted to make business card sized magnets, but noooooooooooo, I decided that wasn't good enough (the font would be too small, etc). So now I'm working on something slightly more elaborate and maybe just a little bigger than the size of two business cards.

It's been fun so far. I haven't had the opportunity to make something in a long time. Of course, the fun starts to wear off when you realize the quantity that needs to be made!

Tuesday night I worked on formatting the card using Photoshop. I couldn't get the resolution to look good. The font was extremely fuzzy. After much cursing and smashing the desk, I learned a lot about Photoshop... simple things that I probably should have already known. I had made the image the same size that I actually wanted it. Apparently for the best resolution, you should make it enormous and then shrink it down. I finally made it 5 times the size I wanted it and then shrunk it. Also, some fonts are just too smooth and will never look crisp when printed in this way. Palatino Linotype, while a pretty font, just can't get crisp enough. I finally switched to Georgia italics and it looks much better. Lastly, .jpg is NOT the best! You need something that won't compress the image out of control. I used .bmp because MS Word does not recognize .psd (the photoshop file type). .tiff would also have been acceptable.

Wednesday night I praised God that my fiance used to be a teacher. He owns one of those paper slicing things that has the arm you move up and down to chop paper. His particular version has a sliding blade that worked very well for the small size I was trying to chop the paper down to.

Last night I used an art knife to make slits in the heavier paper I plan on using as a border. I finished it early enough that I had time to start rubber stamping and embossing the stamps. Everything was going fine until ' The Office' came on. I figured that using an embosser (which makes a noise like a hair dryer... and is actually quite similar to a hair dryer) while fiance and I were watching the show might be distracting. So instead of embossing the stamps on the old coffee table where I'd been doing it, I moved my papers down to the carpeted floor.

I embossed a few cards and then noticed that the carpet looked pretty dirty, there were all these stiff brown patches that I assumed was hardened, caked on dirt. I moved to a cleaner area and kept working, but after finishing a few more cards it seemed that the "dirt" was following me.

Well, it wasn't dirt... it was me BURNING the carpet.

If we lived in a house and this was my personal carpet, I'd probably flip my shit. But since we live in an apartment where the carpet was already not up to par when we moved in, I managed to contain the shit flippage. But, I can't believe that that tool could have been burning the carpet. I tried cutting out some of the burned patches with scissors... but it's just not good.

The carpet was bad when we moved in, but I don't think I've helped the situation any while we've lived there. There was one patch on the floor that looked like a trail of dripped soda. "Resolve" cleaner wasn't working, so I moved to "Oxyclean." "Oxyclean" didn't get all of the dark patch (whatever it actually is) and it bleached the surrounding area of the carpet (at least the carpet is cream colored??). It's not a pretty sight. I just hope they don't charge us too much when we move out...

There are warnings on products about everything under the sun, but I didn't see any "beware of burning carpet" comment on the embosser box. I just see "can reach 680°F" and "be careful." Yeah... always work on a firm, non-flammable surface while embossing. And, another good rule of thumb, keep me away from your carpet.

No Closeups, Please

2007-10-11T09:43:00.001-04:00

Incase you were wondering, Internet, the engagement party on Saturday night went extremely well.

It was very casual, there was lots of food, my mom's three tiered cake turned out incredible, tables were set up in the yard with candles on them and confetti with our names written it, there were plenty of drinks, and the white lights in the trees looked great. Fiance's mother had someone make a DVD slideshow of photos of he and I growing up and then as we got older. It was pretty cute. One of my only complaints was that I felt like I couldn't talk to and hang out with everyone I wanted to... the evening felt so short and I was running back and forth between people. I was so busy running that I didn't eat much of the delicious looking food - I was just too excited!

But, I was disappointed that more people didn't take photos! I didn't get a single posed photo with my maid of honor or any of the other bridesmaids. Hell, I didn't even get a posed photo with my fiance!

There was one woman with a super fancy digital camera who took pictures throughout the night, but she was really only doing candids. And not just candids... candid closeups!

So if anyone wants to see some REALLY high definition closeups of my face where you can get a great look at SWEAT, hair frizz, red eye, tooth yellowing, moles, or any other imperfection I have got a boat load of great pics for you! Consider it your lucky day!

I don't mean to sound ungrateful (although.. I guess I am...) but the experience has made me so thankful about the photographer we've hired for the wedding. Our photographer does a mix of digital and film photography, and she retouches everything. Thank GOD! I need something to soften my fanged, sweaty dinosaur look.

I keep checking back to the website where the photos are to see if I've missed just ONE good photo of me, but it's just not there! It also makes me want to go nuts about my hair yet again!

Let's just hope I'm more photogenic come July 2008...

The Question

2007-10-10T10:45:00.001-04:00

Have you ever heard the quote, "Life is a comedy?"

How about, "Life is a tragedy?"

I used to love Ani Difrano... before she got so consumed with George Bush that I just couldn't take it anymore. In one of her songs she puts it artfully,
"and we lie in our beds, and our graves
unable to save ourselves
from the quaint tragedies we invent- and undo,
from the stupid circumstances we slalom through"

Some days we are the world. Our sadness is the world's sadness, and we can't understand that while we crumble from pain the rest of the world goes on. While someone loses a friend or a mother, another spends $500 on a pair of heels... another finds out he or she has cancer, another gets a promotion, another is looking for meaning and lost, another is finding Jesus, another is born again, another celebrates.

Some days things seem small and the universe is vast. And we look up at the stars and we just see blackblackblack and twinkling, and we know that our job is small, our love life is small, our hobbies are nothing, our country, our war, our people, and our planet is nothing but another pulsating speck in an ocean. If you looked out closely and carefully, you couldn't even distinguish between our colors and our lights. Sometimes that is terrifying, sometimes it makes us feel inevitably bound to one another and comforted.

Suffering and happiness are such small things, but it's everything. When job stress is compared to life and death, does it mean anything? And if not, then why do we punish ourselves?

I don't think that life is a game of winners and losers, but I'd still like to be prepared. Artists waffle about this question constantly. Stevie Nicks asks,
"Can the child within my heart rise above,
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides,
Can I handle the seasons of my life?"

Everything I thought that would be difficult about being older turns out to not actually be one of the nagging, multifaceted questions that I'm not sure if I'll ever answer. I don't think about them every day, but some days I wake up and the question explodes; five fingers across my cheek just to make sure that I know. The stinging says, "I'm still here, bitch."

Fiddleheads

2007-10-04T09:27:00.000-04:00

Fiance's parents are throwing an engagement party for us this Saturday. This party has been quite the ordeal, as I think I've said before. But I think... I hope... that in the end we'll all have a great time.

To prepare for this momentous event, I decided it was time again to brave the hair salon and spruce up my hair with some highlights. I was able to make an appointment at the same place I got highlights a few months ago, although the stylist I saw last time was booked.

I'm always nervous about going new places and having a new stylist, but I have to admit that Tina at Fiddleheads in DC gets two thumbs up! Not only did she give me great highlights, but she also styled my hair effortlessly so that it looked great! I was so pleased that I bought some Aveda Be Curly Curl Enhancing Gel. Hopefully on Saturday I will get the same lovely results!

Having curly hair is tough stuff... but there's my shameful plug.

Fiance and I are currently watching Undeclared on DVD. It's cute, but not life-altering. They didn't get to make that many episodes before the show was canceled. After this show I think fiance has finally roped me into watching The Wire. I've only heard incredible things about it... so we'll see!

As for fall shows, so far I've been uninspired. What are you watching, Internet?

The Dress

2007-10-03T14:20:00.001-04:00

Just a couple of weeks ago I decided to have a wedding-related day with my mom. First, I would take my engagement ring back to the jeweler to get it resized (it was still too big!), then we would check out bridesmaid dresses at various stores, and lastly we would head to a David's Bridal appointment to see if they had anything good. I figured, excellent, let's kill a flock of birds with one stone!

Let's just say, David's Bridal freaked me out at first. It was absolutely packed (and it was a weeknight!) and the staff was talking at me very fast. My mom and I had walked in with a print out of styles we liked, and I had absolutely no idea how we would ever find these in the endless rows of tightly packed garment bags.

I met my "wedding coordinator," a skinny young guy who kept calling me "girlfriend."

I've made a huge mistake?

Any doubts I had about him disappeared when he raced around the store finding ALL the dresses I wanted to see within seconds. I tried on somewhere between 6-10 dresses, but "the perfect one" was pretty obvious.

On my left side there was another woman trying on dresses with her mom. The mom actually left her daughter to come look at me, and she couldn't look away! That has to be a good sign, right?

I'm thrilled with my lovely dress! It's being checked and fluffed up or something right now, but we pick it up Friday!

TIMMMBERRR!!!

2007-10-02T09:29:00.001-04:00

I'm baaaaaaaaaack.

And I'm happy to be here!

I survived the end of my classes, and I believe I scored a decent enough grade on the final to make a B in the class. So, my chances at grad school are not totally obliterated. Things may actually work out!

I was going to back track a bit to catch you up, Internet, but last night was so exciting that I should probably just start from there.

It was a typically day at work. Fiance and I had planned on going to Paper Source after work to buy supplies for me to make save-the-date cards. We had to hurry home because the store closes at 7pm. Unfortunately, the metro train had other plans.

It was absolutely packed, so I couldn't even get on a train until three completely full ones had already passed me by. We were stuffed into the cars like sardines, the A/C either wasn't on or at least wasn't doing much of anything, and I was wearing a sweater and wool pants. Needless to say, I was HOT and SWEATING. After a few stops I started to feel nauseous... then it occurred to me that I felt like I was going to pass out. It happened pretty quickly, but I probably had enough time to a) dart out of the train at the next stop and just wait there until the feeling passed b) just plop down on the train floor, despite the hoards of people around me c) ask a guy if I could have his seat.

I didn't do a, b or c. So, I passed out.

My vision got narrow, I couldn't hear anything, and I knew I'd passed the point of no return. Next thing I know, I'm down on the ground and every is looking at me asking if I'm okay. Someone is hoisting me into a nearby seat. The train isn't moving. The conductor is in front of me on his walkee talkee saying, "we have a sick passenger on the train."

I felt awful! First these people have to get home later than they'd like because of an earlier train backup, but then they're held there, still packed up against one another, because some girl is too stupid too get off the train and instead passed out! Who knows if I fell on someone first (like the tiny Asian woman who had been standing beside me). It was ridiculous.

In high school I was in the marching band. On the first day of summer band camp every year I would pass out... the heat, the sun, and locking my knees... the deadly combo. Apparently the metro causes a similar effect.

If you were on the train last night... sorry! Everyone around me was exceptionally kind and helpful, but let's hope it doesn't happen again.

Finally My Dad Forwards Me a GOOD Article

2007-09-27T08:57:00.000-04:00

This is what I tried to tell my parents all last year!

p.s. I'm returning to the blogosphere this Sunday!

Hard Case: Job Market
Wanes for U.S. Lawyers
Growth of Legal Sector
Lags Broader Economy;
Law Schools Proliferate
By AMIR EFRATI
September 24, 2007; Page A1

A law degree isn't necessarily a license to print money these days.

For graduates of elite law schools, prospects have never been better. Big law firms this year boosted their starting salaries to as high as $160,000. But the majority of law-school graduates are suffering from a supply-and-demand imbalance that's suppressing pay and job growth. The result: Graduates who don't score at the top of their class are struggling to find well-paying jobs to make payments on law-school debts that can exceed $100,000. Some are taking temporary contract work, reviewing documents for as little as $20 an hour, without benefits. And many are blaming their law schools for failing to warn them about the dark side of the job market.

The law degree that Scott Bullock gained in 2005 from Seton Hall University -- where he says he ranked in the top third of his class -- is a "waste," he says. Some former high-school friends are earning considerably more as plumbers and electricians than the $50,000-a-year Mr. Bullock is making as a personal-injury attorney in Manhattan. To boot, he is paying off $118,000 in law-school debt.

"Unfortunately, some find the practice of law is not for them," Seton Hall's associate dean, Kathleen Boozang, said through a spokeswoman. "However, it is our experience that a legal education is a tremendous asset for a variety of professional paths."

A slack in demand appears to be part of the problem. The legal sector, after more than tripling in inflation-adjusted growth between 1970 and 1987, has grown at an average annual inflation-adjusted rate of 1.2% since 1988, or less than half as fast as the broader economy, according to Commerce Department data.

Some practice areas have declined in recent years: Personal-injury and medical-malpractice cases have been undercut by state laws limiting class-action suits, out-of-state plaintiffs and payouts on damages. Securities class-action litigation has declined in part because of a buoyant stock market.

On the supply end, more lawyers are entering the work force, thanks in part to the accreditation of new law schools and an influx of applicants after the dot-com implosion earlier this decade. In the 2005-06 academic year, 43,883 Juris Doctor degrees were awarded, up from 37,909 for 2001-02, according to the American Bar Association. Universities are starting up more law schools in part for prestige but also because they are money makers. Costs are low compared with other graduate schools and classrooms can be large. Since 1995, the number of ABA-accredited schools increased by 11%, to 196.

Evidence of a squeezed market among the majority of private lawyers in the U.S., who work as sole practitioners or at small firms, is growing. A survey of about 650 Chicago lawyers published in the 2005 book "Urban Lawyers" found that between 1975 and 1995 the inflation-adjusted average income of the top 25% of earners, generally big-firm lawyers, grew by 22% -- while income for the other 75% actually dropped.

According to the Internal Revenue Service, the inflation-adjusted average income of sole practitioners has been flat since the mid-1980s. A recent survey showed that out of nearly 600 lawyers at firms of 10 lawyers or fewer in Indiana, wages for the majority only kept pace with inflation or dropped in real terms over the past five years.

The news isn't any better for the 14% of new lawyers who go into government or join public-interest firms. Inflation-adjusted starting salaries for graduates who go to work for public-interest firms or the government rose 4% and 8.6%, respectively, between 1994 and 2006, according to the National Association for Law Placement, which aggregates graduate surveys from law schools. That compares with at least an 11% jump in the median family income during the same period, according to the Census Bureau. Graduates who become in-house company lawyers, about 9%, have fared better: Their salaries rose by nearly 14% during the same period.

Many students "simply cannot earn enough income after graduation to support the debt they incur," wrote Richard Matasar, dean of New York Law School, in 2005, concluding that, "We may be reaching the end of a golden era for law schools."

Meanwhile, the prospects for big-firm lawyers are growing richer. While offering robust minimum salaries, those firms are paying astronomical amounts to their stars.

Now, debate is intensifying among law-school academics over the integrity of law schools' marketing campaigns. Defenders argue that the legal profession always has been openly and proudly a meritocracy: Top entrance-exam scores help win admittance to top schools where top students win jobs at top firms. Even the system that is used to issue law-school grades -- a curve that pits student against student -- reflects the law profession's competitiveness.

David Burcham, dean of Loyola Law School in Los Angeles, considered second-tier, says the school makes no guarantees to students that they will obtain jobs. He says it is problematic that big firms only interview the top of the class, "but that's the nature of the employment market; it's never been different."

For the majority of students and alumni, he says, Loyola "turned out to be a good investment."

Yet economic data suggest that prospects have grown bleaker for all but the top students, and now a number of law-school professors are calling for the distribution of more-accurate employment information. Incoming students are "mesmerized by what's happening in big firms, but clueless about what's going on in the bottom half of the profession," says Richard Sander, a law professor at the University of California-Los Angeles who has studied the legal job market.

"Prospective students need solid comparative data on employment outcomes, [but] very few law schools provide such data," adds Andrew Morriss, a law professor at the University of Illinois who has studied the market for new lawyers.

Students entering law school have little way of knowing how tight a job market they might face. The only employment data that many prospective students see comes from school-promoted surveys that provide a far-from-complete portrait of graduate experiences. Tulane University, for example, reports to U.S. News & World Report magazine, which publishes widely watched annual law-school rankings, that its law-school graduates entering the job market in 2005 had a median salary of $135,000. But that is based on a survey that only 24% of that year's graduates completed, and those who did so likely represent the cream of the class, a Tulane official concedes.

On its Web site, the school currently reports an average starting salary of $96,356 for graduates in private practice but doesn't include what percentage of graduates reported salaries for the survey.

"It's within most individuals' nature to keep that information private, unless it's a high amount," says Carlos Dávila-Caballero, assistant dean for career development at Tulane, who adds that his office tells prospective students to use the median figure as a guide because starting salaries vary widely.

Academics who have studied new-lawyer salaries say that the graduate surveys of many law schools are skewed by higher response rates from the most successful students. The National Association for Law Placement, which aggregates and publishes national data based on those surveys, concedes that it can't vouch for their accuracy. "We can't validate the figures; we have to rely on schools to report to us accurately," says Judy Collins, NALP's director of research.

A prospective student studying NALP data might conclude that the study of law is a sure path to financial security. For 2006 graduates who entered private practice, or nearly 60%, NALP shows a national median salary of $95,000, a rise of 40%, adjusted for inflation, from 1994 graduates.

The NALP data also show that the percentage of graduates employed in private practice has been steady, fluctuating between 55% and 58% for more than a decade. But in law schools' self-published employment data, "private practice" doesn't necessarily mean jobs that improve long-term career prospects, for that category can include lawyers working under contract without benefits, such as Israel Meth. A 2005 graduate of Brooklyn Law School, he earns about $30 an hour as a contract attorney reviewing legal documents for big firms. He says he uses 60% of his paycheck to pay off student loans -- $100,000 for law school on top of $100,000 for the bachelor's degree he received from Columbia University.

A glossy admissions brochure for Brooklyn Law School, considered second-tier, reports a median salary for recent graduates at law firms of well above $100,000. But that figure doesn't reflect all incomes of graduates at firms; fewer than half of graduates at firms responded to the survey, the school reported to U.S. News. On its Web site, the school reports that 41% of last year's graduates work for firms of more than 100 lawyers, but it fails to mention that that percentage includes temporary attorneys, often working for hourly wages without benefits, Joan King, director of the school's career center, concedes.

Ms. King says she believes the figures for her school accurately represent the broader graduating class. She says the number of contract attorneys is "minimal" but declined to give a number.

The University of Richmond School of Law in the last couple of years started to be more open about its employment statistics; it now breaks out how many of its grads work as contract attorneys. Of 57 2006 graduates working in private practice, for example, seven were contract employees nine months after graduation. Schools "should be sharing more information than they are now," says Joshua Burstein, associate dean for career services who put the changes in place. "Most people graduating from law school," he says, "are not going to be earning big salaries."

Adding to the burden for young lawyers: Tuition growth at law schools has almost tripled the rate of inflation over the past 20 years, leading to higher debt for students and making starting salaries for most graduates less manageable, especially in expensive cities. Graduates in 2006 of public and private law schools had borrowed an average of $54,509 and $83,181, up 17% and 18.6%, respectively, from the amount borrowed by 2002 graduates, according to the American Bar Association.

Students taking on such debt may feel reassured by incessant press reports of big firms scrambling to hire and keep associates. Making headlines this year was a bump up in big-firm starting salaries to $160,000 from $145,000 in many cities.

And indeed, some law graduates of lower-tier schools do find high-paying private-practice law jobs. In recent years big firms have boomed thanks in part to the globalization of business and Wall Street deal making; firms have been casting a wider net for new lawyers, though they still generally restrict their recruiting at lower-tier schools to students at the very top of the class or on the law review. Some students have leads on a job at a family member's or friend's practice.

But just as common -- and much less publicized -- are experiences such as that of Sue Clark, who this year received her degree from second-tier Chicago-Kent College of Law, one of six law schools in the Chicago area. Despite graduating near the top half of her class, she has been unable to find a job and is doing temp work "essentially as a paralegal," she says. "A lot of people, including myself, feel frustrated about the lack of jobs," she says.

Harold Krent, Chicago-Kent's dean, said it's not uncommon for new lawyers to wait a few months to more than a year to find a job that's a good fit. He added that there is a "small spike" in employment after his school's grads receive their bar-exam results, several months after graduation, because some firms wait until then before hiring.

The market is particularly tough in big cities that boast numerous law schools. Mike Altmann, 29, a graduate of New York University who went to Brooklyn Law School, says he accumulated $130,000 in student-loan debt and graduated in 2002 with no meaningful employment opportunities -- one offer was a $33,000 job with no benefits. So Mr. Altmann became a contract attorney, reviewing electronic documents for big firms for around $20 to $30 an hour, and hasn't been able to find higher-paying work since.

Some un- or underemployed grads are seeking consolation online, where blogs and discussion boards have created venues for shared commiseration that didn't exist before. An anonymous writer called Loyola 2L, purportedly a student at Loyola Law School, who claims the school wasn't straight about employment prospects, has been beating a drum of discontent around the Web in the past year that's sparked thousands of responses, and a fan base. ("2L" stands for second-year law student.) Some thank "L2L" for articulating their plight; others claim L2L should complain less and work more. Loyola's Dean Burcham says he wishes he knew who the student was so he could help the person. "It's expensive to go to law school, and there are times when you second-guess yourself as a student," he says.

Some new lawyers try to hang their own shingle. Matthew Fox Curl graduated in 2004 from second-tier University of Houston in the bottom quarter of his class. After months of job hunting, he took his first job working for a sole practitioner focused on personal injury in the Houston area and made $32,000 in his first year. He quickly found that tort-reform legislation has been "brutal" to Texas plaintiffs' lawyers and last year left the firm to open up his own criminal-defense private practice.

He's making less money than at his last job and has thought about moving back to his parents' house. "I didn't think three years out I'd be uninsured, thinking it's a great day when a crackhead brings me $500."

--Mark Whitehouse contributed to this article.

Write to Amir Efrati at amir.efrati@wsj.com4

Out of the Office

2007-09-19T07:52:00.000-04:00

Okay, we should probably do this the right way. Instead of you wondering where I am, and me feeling guilty that I can't be around right now, let's just say that I'm going on vacation.

A crappy, scary, studying vacation.

I'll be back September 29th or 30th. I'll try to check in every now and then, but until that time I can not promise daily entries.

I apologize for the inconvenience! Please stay tuned!

I didn't expect to this soon, but...

2007-09-14T07:31:00.000-04:00

Guess who bought a wedding gown!

Pity Party

2007-09-10T22:55:00.000-04:00

It’s funny, just two years I remember lamenting what a bitch I was. I was depressed at being in law school, and I wanted nothing to do with it or anyone around me. After I left law school I wished I had been kinder and more compassionate. Now, I kinda miss the bitch.

I think it just might be possible to be assertive without being aggression. I’d like to be sure of myself without being arrogant. It will be a challenge, and it’s even more difficult trying to do these things while being a woman. It’s too bad I can’t talk about my coworkers or my boss because I’d have a lot to say. I will say that I hate the environment. But since fiancé and I plan on moving either shortly before or after the wedding to a different city, and because on Friday I just got promoted, I made the decision to stay in this job until we move. As fiancé once told me, I could either change my attitude about my job or change my job. Well, it’s time to work on my attitude.

I’m not sure how to go about this. I still have a few things to get done before I’ll be able to spend some time on myself… it’s going to take a good bit of thought.

How do each of you deal with your own personal shitstorms?

Bake me a Dream

2007-09-07T09:33:00.001-04:00

It's Friday!

My BIO professor granted me an extension to complete the class! PSYCH still needs to be done my Monday (yeah, we'll see how that goes...). I had to back out of going to a friend's engagement party in NJ so that I'd be able to complete the class and hopefully not fail. She hasn't responded so I'm thinking she must be pissed.

I'll stumbled on a florist's website with a really nice portfolio. I can't use them because they're not close enough to the wedding, but it has some great ideas! I'm really liking bouquets with a few chocolate cosmos for some nice contrast.

Fiance's mom has finally relaxed a little with the engagement party. We had to sit her down and have a talk. A lot of the damage is already done, but it should work out. We were nervous because she basically invited the same number of people to the engagement party that will be invited to the wedding (if not more), and most of the people who she invited to the engagement party (apparently her friends and people who watched Fiance grow up?) aren't invited to the wedding. Also she was just going wildly overboard with decorations and plans. We wanted an intimate party, but that's not going to be the case! I was also worried about my family being offended since they can't invite the entire world to the wedding. It was really obnoxious and stressful, but I guess we just have to roll with the big party theme... she is hosting it, after all.

My zucchini bread is still delicious; I highly recommend the recipe. I went a little cooking/baking crazy this past weekend. In addition to the zucchini bread I made AWESOME Chocolate Chip Cookies, Hot Spinach and Artichoke Dip (which I served in a bread bowl), and Confetti Cupcakes (which I made in cake form instead of cupcake.. but it didn't turn out THAT great because I used that cursed giant cupcake pan. I thought it would be so cool, but the batter just never cooks right!).

No fun baking this weekend... just STUDYING!

Adventures in Zucchini Bread

2007-09-06T07:38:00.000-04:00

Last night I used a wonderful Zucchini Bread Recipe from 101cookbooks.com. I'd never had zucchini bread before, let alone made any... but seeing how much I love pumpkin bread, I figured that this would also be up my alley. I am happy to report that it's excellent!

I did not include any of the optional ingredients such as crystallized ginger, poppy seeds, lemon zest or curry powder.

Growing Pains

2007-09-05T09:25:00.001-04:00

I think I'm still here. It's interesting, I get more hits on my blog when I don't write than when I do… I wonder what that says!

It's the same old story here. I'm in the last minute scramble to finish my two classes. My performance in both has been a huge disappointment. I took a psych exam last night that I was completely ready for; I had done everything I was supposed to do – read, engage with it, talk to people about it, write about it, etc.

Taking a class online (basically, buying a book, reading to yourself and then taking tests on it) is not a good way to learn, at least not for me. I suppose we have teachers for a reason! I have no more excuses. I'm tired of excuses, and I'm tired of feeling this inadequate. I've never scored this poorly before, so you could say that I feel less than great.

I can't devote myself full-time to my job, friends, classes, or even the wedding. Remember how a few weeks ago I was terrified because I wouldn't be able to take any classes this fall? HA! That was the biggest blessing ever. I need to get my shit together and smack myself around. Feeling deeply ashamed, inadequate, and helpless all the time isn't good for me, my fiancé, and certainly not for this blog. At least while I was in law school hell I could joke about it.

In other news, I bought this magazine. It wasn't cheap ($10), but it's got some helpful things in it about wedding dresses and styles and honeymoons. Of course buying this magazine did lead to my mom telling me that my body is "pear-shaped." I've never thought of myself as pear-shaped, and I certainly didn't enjoy hearing it from my mother. I was thinking more "hour glass!"

I appreciate all the comments about the bridesmaid dresses! It's very helpful to get other perspectives. I agree with Loralee that the dress with wider straps would probably me for flattering for my girls who are trying to cover up a bit. One reason I was wary of that dress was because of the colors. You can click on different colored boxes to have the dress switch colors, but none of them looked quite right. I decided to check out some other chiffon dresses by Jasmine B2, and now I think that the color discrepancy is just an internet rendering mess up on that particular dress. I compared three dresses, all chiffon, in the same exact color. Two of them looked the same shade, as they should, and it was a very nice shade. The dress that I like looked like a different shade… like someone used Microsoft Paint's paint can tool to change the color of the dress. So, I'm chalking it up to poor color rendering on the website. I'm going to check out color swatches in two weeks, and I think I'll have pretty good luck finding what I want – too bad it doesn't show up properly online!

Lastly, fiancé and I have been testing the waters in some of those fun pre-marriage discussions concerning babies, child-rearing and finances. A question for married folks, do you have joint accounts, separate accounts, or a combination of both? Maybe I'm silly and immature, but I'm still surprised at how "big" these discussions seem to me! Talking about buying lawnmowers and painting the house... these are things that my parents do. I guess sometimes I still just feel like a teenager!

Style, Color, and Cost... my current enemies

2007-08-30T09:09:00.001-04:00

Finding bridesmaid dresses is difficult. To find the winning dress, three factors need to be met:

1) style

2) color

3) cost

So far in my experience I may have as many as two factors met, but there is always the third one lurking out there.

As for 1) style... I can't have strapless. Why? Because a) strapless doesn't usually fit everyone correctly and they'll probably be unwilling to get alterations, so then it just won't look right b) I don't want any photos with people pulling up their strapless dress c) one of my maids said she's uncomfortable in strapless and d) I don't want boobs everywhere.

This should be fine, except that it seems almost all the popular style bridesmaid dresses are strapless! But, we can still work around this.

Considering 2) color... this is, in my opinion, maybe the hardest part. You can't really search dresses by color, you have to fall in love with a style first, only to find that it doesn't come in the colors you like. Many people have suggested that I use David's Bridal or Alfred Angelo, who offer the two piece dresses where the bridesmaid can pick the top and bottom that they're most comfortable in. This sounds great and all, but I really don't like the colors that these places offer... they're usually pretty bland.

I had wanted to use a shade of green, but green is an easy color to mess up. You could end up with a shade of puke. The color of these dresses will influence all the other colors of things that are used in the wedding. It is no easy task.

All of my bridesmaid have so far been understanding with 3) cost. I explained straight up that weddings are expensive because I didn't want anyone to feel manhandled or guilted into having to pay for various things. One bm dress that's on the table right now is this chiffon, tea length Jim Hjelm dress. At Netbride it will be about $154; at a boutique it will certainly be more. $154 isn't obscene for a bridesmaid dress and not a deal-breaker, but being under $150 would be nice. A few things I love about this dress is that it's chiffon (ie, flowy), the colors it comes in are gorgeous (great, subtle hues rather than flat primary colors), and it comes with a ribbon (I really like the idea of having some color contrast... maybe a sage colored dress with a chocolate ribbon?).

I haven't tried the Jim Hjelm on yet, and that really makes all the difference in the world. I'll have to make that a priority.

A dress I more recently found is this chiffon, tea length Jasmine Bridal (B2) dress. I tried it on on Sunday, and it fit great and was very flattering. I think all the bms would be comfortable in it, and they could even wear it again without looking too "bridesmaidy" in it. At the store where I found it, it's $150... but if you buy 5 or more (which we would), it's $135 per dress. But it doesn't come with a ribbon (I could buy a ribbon separately, but would that look alright?) and good old 2) color is causing me some grief. The colors aren't bad, they just don't make me go wild. Of course, I'd need to look more closely at color swatches in a store.

Of course the bms don't need their dresses for a long time yet, but because the color is such an influential part in the rest of the planning it would be nice to know.

Dear Blog

2007-08-29T12:16:00.001-04:00

Yes, I went away for a while. When you're in a crunch at work, and a crunch at home, and you're not even home on the weekends, things happen. You know I don't like to explain myself.

I've come to terms a bit with my school dilemma. I think it may still all work out, although I did drop the class for this fall. I am still trying to finish the two classes I'm currently enrolled in.

Fiance and I have booked our photographer, DJ, cake person, and today I am sending in the check to the minister. Big things still to do include: wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses, ceremony music, and florist. And, of course, all the other million things that go into weddings. It's nice to have those big things under our belt, though.

I tried on some wedding dresses for the first time on Sunday with my mom. I liked all the ones I tried on, so how do I pick one? Those things are ridiculously heavy... I should probably try to find something much lighter so that I can actually walk.

Better, richer updates will follow... for now I just wanted to say, "I'm still alive."

Unqualified

2007-08-16T09:10:00.001-04:00

They say that bad things always look better in the morning, but what happens when they don't? Last night I took another BIO exam and, as has been my pattern lately, I didn't do well at all. I'm not saying, "Oh, no, I got a B!" I'm saying bad.

I'm desperate to pull off an acceptable grade in this class and the PSYCH class. The second half of the BIO class (fall semester) starts August 22, even though the current two classes I'm taking don't end until September 10. I don't see any possible way I could finish either of the classes before August 22, and I would start this new BIO class being behind again, as usual. So last night, although I didn't want to at all, I dropped the second half of the BIO class.

It's terrifying. It means that I probably won't be able to go to grad school Fall '08 because I won't have enough prerequisites under my belt. It's terrifying also because I don't know when I will be able to take more classes. Spring and Summer '08 are already looking insane. Let's think about what my Spring '08 will look like - four weddings, lots of wedding showers including my own, wedding planning all over the place... I just don't know how it would work. Then that summer is our wedding, and obviously I can't be taking classes in the thick of that! What if they change the book by the time I'm able to take the class and I wasted almost $1,000? What if I forget everything about bones and joints and muscles? What if, what if... my mind is racing.

I'm struggling so much right now. I don't have a good amount of time to study, this weekend is packed with various wedding vendor appointments, and I feel like I'm suffocating. Taking classes when you're working full-time at a stressful job is a whole different ball game than being a full-time student. I give part-time students SO MUCH credit. I had absolutely no idea how difficult it is. Obviously the study methods I'm using right now aren't working.

My brain keeps wanting to fast forward to a future that has me working a crappy lame job like this forever and never being able to do something that makes me happy. It's a melodramatic thought, fine, but isn't that what most blogs are about? A little melodrama? A little self-indulgence? Maybe I just need to chill... if it takes longer to get there, then it takes longer to get there. But the thought of starting a family while in school sounds pretty awful to me. I guess I feel like I'm getting older and have nothing to show for it. As I said in a previous entry, my history degree means very little in the 'real world.' I don't know where I'm going or what we're doing and I am scared.

Masquerade

2007-08-15T08:56:00.001-04:00

Of all the games that people play with each other, the job search games seem to be one of the most absurd. Late at night before bed I search for jobs on the usual sites. Companies ask for hard-working individuals, someone who can work independently without supervision and someone who can interact well with a team, someone with sound judgment and who can think quickly on their feet, superb writing and research skills, superb communication skills and customer service... who is writing these ads?

Let's get realistic. All the job postings I see list these inane and cliched buzzwords. They give no sense of the position itself and what the day to day tasks would be like. The best candidate for a job is someone who is well-suited for that job, how does either the candidate or the employer know if someone is a good fit when they can't even articulate what Position X does?

Job postings are arbitrary, resumes and cover letters follow suit so as not to be left out of the game. We tweak our cover letters to include the maximum number of active buzz words, including things that we don't even know the definition of. I remember going to a college fair with my older brother when he was a junior in high school. He was filling out an information card for a college, and as one of his interests he wrote "clocking." I asked him what "clocking" was and he responded, "No idea.. but it sets me apart, and that's what you want!" Competent people are turned incompetent trying to fit into the buzzword mold the company sets forth in their Want Ad.

Every company wants their shining, energetic and bright young thing, even though they might not necessarily have the work to support such an individual, even though such a person may not be the right fit at all.

Can an entry-level college grad do the same work that my father has done for 30 years? No, but which candidate would companies rather hire?
Does my office need a top-university grad with straight A's and flawless references to remove staples, collate papers and distribute memos in his outbox? No. Could this job be done by a person with a high school diploma looking for a decent job? Yes. Which person will my company hire?

The disparity is almost sickening. The thought that I may soon be sitting in interviews where I have to parrot back these buzzwords (detail-oriented, team player, my weakness is that I have no weakness) or get shown the door seems like too much! I suppose it does just give me more incentive to look graduate school and nursing... I've never been a corporate player, but don't tell that to my resume.

Okay.

2007-08-14T10:27:00.001-04:00

This past weekend I was really looking forward to doing nothing. Sitting, vegging, staring at the wall, sleeping, watching movies, casually doing school works, these were my dreams for August 11 and 12. I sort of succeeded. It was not a total failure.

Friday I made (yes, made) fiance walk down memory lane a bit with me. We rented a few movies, among them was She-Devil. She-Devil is a movie from 1989 with Roseanne Barr and Meryl Streep. I'd watch anything with Meryl Streep, but when I was younger I just remember thinking this movie was hilarious! Rewatching it with fiance showed that

1) I must have been a strange child
2) Things are never as good as your memories

BUT, I won't give up. I still look forward to watching other childhood favorites with fiance such as Death Becomes Her (another Meryl Streep classic), Teen Witch, and Soap Dish. I hope have more luck with these than I did with either She-Devil or Legend (the oft-forgotten Tom Cruise movie from 1985).

Things I did check off my agenda this weekend include getting responses from all my bridesmaids and sending out a "hello" and introduction email to everyone. All 6 ladies seem to be very excited and ready to party it up! Fiance and I also met with a photographer on Sunday, a woman who I worked with briefly last summer. Her photos were fine, but, as fiance said, "our socks stayed on." We'll keep looking.

I found another bridesmaid dress that I like a lot. I have to recommend Netbride to anyone looking for wedding or bridesmaid dresses. So far their customer service has been great. They sell designer dresses much cheaper than the bridal boutiques hose you for. One bridal boutique in Richmond, VA quoted me at $250 for a dress that Netbride quoted me at $150. Of course, I'll have to go to the boutique to actually see the dress. Seeing a dress online and in person are two very different things for bridesmaid dresses!

What's your favorite 80's/early 90's movie?

I want the world, I want the whole world

2007-08-10T07:54:00.000-04:00

So even though I know that the job hunting process takes a while, and I’ve advised despondent friends to this fact as well, that doesn’t mean that when I woke up this morning I didn’t expect a response email in my inbox from a resume I submitted last night at 10:30pm. I doesn’t matter that no one has even had a chance to SEE it yet, let alone compare it to other applicants and do whatever other dirty things that hiring managers do… I want my answer NOW.

Never been good with waiting…

I found some great jobs last night… crossing guard and Administrative butt monkey just to name a few. It seems that without some higher degree (higher than a BA, higher than your all-American competitive liberal arts education), I’m either overqualified or under qualified for jobs. I don’t have 5-10 years experience, and I don’t want to make lunch reservations for high powered Executives. Looking for jobs makes me think I can’t wait to get to nursing school. I can’t wait to be qualified for something useful in society (why oh why did I major in History… seemed like a good idea at the time?).

And, as always, thank freaking God it’s FRIDAY. Enjoy yours weekends.

Shake, Rattle, and Roll

2007-08-09T07:42:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I went positively bonkers with wedding vendors. I was emailing back and forth with my friend who is having her wedding at the same location in May 2008, and I was telling her about my upcoming appointments with vendors.

I mentioned something about meeting a particular wedding cake maker next Sunday and sampling a bunch of her cakes. My friend told me she’d heard bad things about this place. She didn’t really have any specific examples, so who knows how accurate this assessment is. I started my search to find reviews of the cake maker.

And, I did find a review… only it was the most website EVER. What I found was actually a link to a woman’s theknot.com message board. She posted extensively about each and every vendor she was using, but up tons of photos as examples, put up more photos of the day of the wedding, and then rated each and every vendor she’d used. The cake maker got an A+ according to this woman.

But even better, the girl had listed a photographer that was actually not yet on my spreadsheet! You can imagine how I felt about this!

This photographer looked awesome, and she also got an A+ rating. And looking through the samples on her website, she had photos up of someone fiancé and I went to high school with! It was wild. When I heard back from her via e-mail she was exceptionally nice as well. The price is right, and the only thing I didn’t love about her photography package she was very flexible about changing! We’re meeting next Sunday… we may have a winner!

So hopefully today I won’t look for any more photographers. I think my spreadsheet of information including almost 20 Virginia photographers is quite enough. Fiancé and I have scheduled three meetings with photographers, this last woman being the last meeting, and I think we’re more than equipped to make a good choice.

This Sunday – Photographer 1
Next Saturday – Photographer 2, Cake Maker 1, Cake Maker 2
Next Sunday – Photographer 3, Officiant, DJ

Busy
Busy
Busy

Not to mention that, well, I put a resume out there. We’ll see if anything happens with it, but it felt damn good.

It's Alive!!!

2007-08-08T07:43:00.000-04:00

I thought I was above wedding stuff sucking my brain out with a straw, but I must have seriously underestimated my love of distractions. I have never been very good at saying “no” to a distraction… whether that be writing notes to boys in middle school, staying on the phone until 3AM, or using up all the minutes and then going over by quite a lot on the AOL Account… back when AOL used to charge by the minute.

I got better for a little while… maybe. I never, ever watched television until about my third year of college. I just wasn’t interested. The only shows that I heard about that were ever on were Dawson’s Creek or Melrose Place, and those were shows to be scorned by people like me (“cool” people… too cool). Thursday nights in college I used to order Chinese food and watch some hilarious reality tv with friends. But that was it, just Thursdays.

I think it all slowly started with Buffy that summer. And once you learn the supreme joy of watching a great tv show on dvd, you can never go back. That compounded with the pain of law school after college, where I picked up any distraction possible just to take me out of that place! Google talk, reality tv, blogging (sorry, Blogger)… my thirst for distractions knew no bounds.

Now I’m working and taking two classes. We’re also planning a wedding. Which of these three things sounds the most fun to you? What do you think I’m spending the majority of my time on?

Weddings, weddings, weddings… I stare at photographer sites forever, trying to discern the hidden differences between images. I talk to DJs. I update spreadsheets. Like an alcoholic, my love of distractions is starting to interference with my work (school)… so I guess I should start getting concerned.

I mailed my “will you be my bridesmaid” trinket to the last person yesterday. I made them each individualized boxes with a note. Fiance and I are zeroing in on a photographer and DJ. We’re scheduling meetings for next weekend, and I think I should really really take a wedding break until then. I think my life depends on it!

Easy Bistro Chicken... it's what's for dinner! (It's all we have time for around here, so eat it and shut your mouth!)

2007-08-07T23:00:00.001-04:00

Chopped Onions

Stewed Tomatoes, Peppers and Mushrooms

Tomato Paste and Zesty Italian Dressing

Chicken Breasts!

SIMMER!

Sprinkling of Mozzarella

Stir, Voila

Giant Cupcakes on Parade

2007-08-02T07:22:00.000-04:00

Well, I made my first Funfetti Giant Cupcake last night. It was someone’s birthday at work yesterday so I figured that I had a great excuse. Of course, I have no idea how I’m going to get it to work.

There are a few small problems with the pan. One box of cake mix does work fine, you just split it evenly between the two sides of the pan. There’s a half that belongs to the base (where the wrapper would be) and the other half is where the icing would be (you cover that part with icing when you put it together). But, the half that you put icing on is very shallow, and it cooked much more quickly than the base. The base actually took quite a bit longer; the middle just did not want to cook. I finally had to shimmy the top half out of the pan (sooner than I like taking it out) and put the base back in for at least 10 more minutes.

Second, maybe this pan does make a giant cupcake, but it does not make a giant cake. You couldn’t take the result of this pan to a 13 year old’s birthday party and expect to feed all the kiddies. Even though it still uses one box of cake mix like another cake you might make, the way it’s put together and the way you’ll have to cut it will just make less slices for hungry, grabbing paws. Remember that since it’s two halves that you have to put together, you have to cut off a good bit of the middle part of the cake that rose; you need two flat halves. I took a picture of the cake next to my cactus margarita glass for perspective.

This cake would be an awesome supplement to something else. After all, it’s pretty cute and decorative. But once you cut the first piece I wonder how much it will even look like a cupcake anymore. I love this pan, I’m excited to make giant cupcakes for people, but I’m just warning you not to put all your eggs in the giant cupcake basket.

Compromising with.... Yourself?

2007-07-31T11:25:00.001-04:00

Fiance and I had our phone interview with a prospective wedding ceremony officiant last night. I guess she's technically an interfaith Minister who performs Interfaith, Intercultural, Interracial, Civil/Humanist, and Spiritual but not Religious ceremonies. She does lots of weddings, and it seems like her specialty is working with couples from two very different backgrounds and bringing their religious beliefs together. She likes to focus on things that are important to the couple and really create something meaningful. We both thought she seemed great and she wasn't at all "out there." We set up a date and time to actually meet her in the middle of August; we both have high hopes.

I guess we should also set up an alternative or two to meet with. Ha, I just don't want to! What are good things to look for in a prospective officiant? I guess mostly liking them is important.

We should probably set up some other appointments as well. A woman I used to work with recently told me that her best advice (she's getting married in October) is to book the vendors early so that you have it in place. That doesn't mean picking what flowers you're going to have or which songs should be played, just that you know who your vendor is and you can work with them periodically. This sounds like good advice to us, so we're going for it.

I'm thinking that right now is the really fun time of the wedding planning. We have nothing in stone except for the ceremony and reception site; the canvas is blank. We don't have anyone else with a signed contract telling us, "I can't do this" or "Sure, but it will cost you more money."

We don't really have a theme or a "feel" that we're going for yet. I can see several scenarios... I can something very elegant and classic, something pretty quirky and silly, a shore theme with little shells around, a room that's colorful with tropical flowers, something very crafty with really unique favors and centerpieces, something jazzy and cool, or something very nature oriented with browns and greens/leaves and twigs. I waver between raucous feast and a more dignified affair. Seriously!

We have some diverse interests. I'm not particularly sure how to accommodate them all. Even with the wedding shower, I wonder what will be planned for me! I could see a luncheon with bite sized foods and petit fours, something catered and decorative, or a casual bbq with tiki torches, dogs running around and tossing the frisbee! I'll be very interested to see which side of Seredne the planners decide to go with... and which side of ourselves that fiance and I want to go with for the wedding!

The T in Teamwork

2007-07-30T09:32:00.001-04:00

On Saturday my parents rolled into town around noon. The table is a great addition to the apartment, even though there's still a bit of crap around it so perhaps it's not FULLY functional yet.

We went to Sur La Table, where I became the proud owner of the Giant Cupcake Pan! I'm really not a big shopper/buyer, but how could I resist that pan? I will of course provide photos when I get to use it. We also went to Alexandria and I showed them where fiance proposed. It was hot as shit... let's hope it's not too hot for fiance and I to take some outdoor photos this time next year! We also found a really great paper store in Alexandria. They had lots of awesome ideas and kits for do-it-yourself invitations, save the date cards, favors, menus and more. They'll do it all for you, too, but of course that's a lot more money. I think my mom and I are creative and crafty enough that we could whip those bad boys out in no time! That store was really a crafty person's dream. I bought some mini take-out boxes to put together that you can put favors in. I did notice though that the store was advertising crafty ideas that I've been doing for years... I thought I was the only one! If only I'd started my own business a few years ago...

On Sunday I went shopping with a fellow bride-to-be to look for bridesmaid dresses for her wedding. We found some good looking dresses; I guess the bridesmaid 'style' is pretty standard... most things are satin, strapless, tea length, A-line.. and an average of $150. It's interesting how the same dress fits different body types! Bridesmaid dresses are cute, though. I bought an Ann Taylor Celebrations dress to wear to my cousin's wedding last year (and then later in the summer I wore it again to another wedding). Being a bride-to-be myself has given me a whole new outlook on buying bridesmaid dresses, so I can see how some girls might say, "oh man, I gotta buy a dress!" But if you think about going to high school prom or even a middle school dance... you probably bought a brand new dress for the occasion, it probably wasn't "cheap", and you probably never wore it again.

When we weren't moving tables and I wasn't acting as the dress model (who would've thought!), fiance and I spent the weekend watching Freaks and Geeks . We love getting hooked on good tv shows on dvd, so we welcomed back our favorite obsession.

Tonight we call the minister we have in mind for the wedding. Judging from the information on her website, I think she'd do a beautiful and meaningful job. We'll keep our fingers crossed!

Flashback to '99

2007-07-28T09:44:00.001-04:00

Last night while finishing unpacking, I found a lot of my old writings and poetry. One particular poem fell out of a notebook. It's dated 1999.

I thought everyone would enjoy me embarrassing myself a little:

The Accordion

This morning I woke up to the sound of an accordion playing outside my window.
I closed my eyes,
picturing the jagged,
folded edges
crushing against each other and pulling apart.
Kind of funny,
Kind of like love.
I think of green tea,
dried paint on my fingers,
fireworks on the beach
I think of life,
and how we're all taught from the time we're born
not to be ourselves
and the rest of our lives we
have to search
to go back in time
to when we didn't know how
to be anything else.
I remember my grandfather's back rubs and Easter egg hunts
and music without words.
Again the accordion breaks the silence with its ceaseless cracking
and I wonder how
I got here from there.

Good morning, world

2007-07-27T07:55:00.001-04:00

Why is it that when I set my alarm to get up earlier than usual I wind up waking up later than usual? I can't explain this phenomenon... but it makes me sad!

My parents are coming to my apartment tomorrow to bring the kitchen table that we actually have room for now in the larger apartment. This means that unpacking should be mostly complete, as my parents are hounds that sniff out mess and disarray. There's a lot to be done, no willpower to do it, and a short timeline to get it done!

I did, however, finish the two biology quizzes that I needed to take so that I would not be withdrawn from the course; these distance learning courses set up some periodic deadlines to keep people from slacking off until the last minute. Not like I know anyone who would do that... ahem. The grade average for the quiz I took on Wednesday was 47.36, and the average for the quiz I took last night was 58.06. DANG. I didn't do well at all on the first one, or even that great on the second one, but at least I got above the averages?

So last night after the quiz, I had planned on taking a little break... letting my hair down... meaning, probably going to bed early. Instead I got stuck looking at wedding cakes and table centerpieces and adding photos to a photobucket account for fiance to put on our google wedding map that he's making. Apparently now you can make your own maps in google and save them, putting markers on any place you chose. Fiance is marking places that are important to us, the countries we traveled to in Europe, our high school, where we grew up, where we work, etc. You can also include pictures that pop up when you hover your mouse over the location. We hope that our guests find it fun!

On Sunday I'm going with my friend and some of her other bridesmaids to hunt for the bridesmaid dresses she wants for her wedding, and perhaps also check out some wedding dresses for her. Her wedding will sneak up on us before we know it, so we're really hoping to swoop in there and find some awesome dresses! I'm sure we will emerge VICTORIOUS.

Happy, happy Friday... thank God it's Friday... ad nauseum!

I WANT THIS!!!

2007-07-25T11:20:00.000-04:00

Sur La Table Giant Cupcake Pan

The Happiest of Hump Days

2007-07-25T09:04:00.001-04:00

Congratulations, me. Yesterday was my one year anniversary at my job. It's been a little over one year out of law school and one year in the cold, hard working world. What have I learned from this experience? Another job, please.

Fiancé, after watching me come home after work for a year with either apathy or anger, made the recommendation that I either change my attitude about the job or change the job. Although changing the job will mean that I'll probably be a part of that company for less than one year (if I travel off to another graduate program next fall), I'm not sure that I care any more. I used to have a good argument for staying, but I think that fiancé has effectively poked holes in each argument. I was never cut out for legal reasoning, after all.

I have a bio quiz tonight and another one tomorrow. I've finished Harry Potter. This weekend should be moderately relaxing! After my quizzes I'll be able to think about wedding things, watch a movie, curl up in my PJs, give fiancé a reprieve from all the cooking and unpacking he's been graciously doing the last two weeks, and just generally recharge my batteries. I'm actually quite amazed that I've made it this far.

That doesn't mean I'm off the hook with my two classes, just that I'm passed the two big deadlines where they drop you from the class if you haven't completed a certain number of assignments. Plus now that the vacationing and moving is over with, hopefully I'll have more time on the weekends to complete assignments so that I don't have to commit suicide during the week.

Again, I'm really looking forward to the weekend. I've felt a little strange the last two weeks… sort of 'out of body.' I think it could be related to just too much change too quickly. I'm used to painfully slow and deliberate changes; the last month has been amazing but also a complete whirlwind. Every now and then I get a moment to stop and look down, and I realize I'm not grounded at all. It's fun to get carried away and caught up for a little while, but when I do it's as if I'm only using half my brain and I wonder where the things that come out of my mouth came from.

In happier news, tomorrow starts the 365 day countdown to tying the knot!

This has been a public service announcement.

2007-07-23T18:48:00.001-04:00

We survived the move... somehow.

In the weeks before the move, we kept wondering whether we were underestimating of overestimating the impending relocation. Saturday we got our answer - UNDERESTIMATING.

Beforehand we should have cleaned more, thrown more away, and packed more. By the end of the day I was completely beat. We took our friends who helped us move out for dinner and beer (where I got, thanks to dehydration and also very low tolerance, quite amusingly intoxicated). We caught a cab and made our way to the Buffy the Musical Sing Along at the Avalon Theater. It was a lot like Rocky Horror, in that you got little goodie bags that made it interactive. It was lots and lots of fun.

The apartment is still in shambles. We have internet, so I'm happy! I have to take two quizzes this week for my biology course on the skeletal system. So many friggin bones and subsections of bones. I can't even imagine how early doctors and scientists investigated and classified all these things. And now I get to memorize it! It's fun, but I'd rather be reading HARRY POTTER.

p.s. I'm trying to hide from the internet so that I don't actually spoil the ending for myself.

p.p.s. Please unpack for me.

Thank you.

Relieved or Restless

2007-07-20T09:43:00.001-04:00

Coming to a decision about something having to do with wedding planning is like...

being able to sit down after a long, hot, sunny day at Disney World,
finding a rest stop after hours of driving, or
quitting law school.

What an immeasurable relief!

I'm thinking about being sick one day next week so that I have a day to catch up on my life... call it a "mental health day," if you'd like. I know I just had a vacation not too long ago, but.. umm.. I have no excuse I guess.

I'm looking forward to the planning even though I'm daunted by it. Maybe when fiance and I have a moment to breath we'll sit down and come up with a schedule for ourselves. He loves planning and excel spreadsheets (a veteran teacher), so I'm sure we can get some structure here soon enough. And the more he and I can figure out, the less I have to rely on my mom!

So, we switch apartments tomorrow. Instead of packing, I spent last night wasting time by looking for a timeline of photos of Britney Spears, from her hayday to her decline. Usually when Ms. Spears is in the news it really doesn't catch my interest, so last night I was either overcome with a sudden fascination of how someone so rich and "attractive" can have such an amazing downfall, or I just REALLY didn't want to pack. I'm not sure which is worse. But seriously, seeing Britney Spears go from bad to worse is like watching "The Hours" and trying to figure out if that's really Nicole Kidman underneath that nose.

Okay, last night wasn't a complete waste. I did spackle the walls where there were nail holes and one area that had a little dent from when we moved in. It was a fun roll reversal. I had fiance go to the hardware store to buy spackle and putty knives. He had absolutely no idea what I was talking about. I even specified a brand I'd heard recommended. I must say, DAP spackle is amazing. The kind we got goes on pink and dries white; today I couldn't even tell where some of the marks were. So... spackle and Britney Spears.

I should have internet back on Sunday night. But, we're dealing with Comcast... and I won't even go in to how I feel about them. Have a good weekend, everyone.

It's Time for the Seasonal Hair Dilemma

2007-07-19T08:55:00.001-04:00

Well, I thought this might happen. I'm sure I'll find a beautiful wedding dress, the bridesmaids will look great, I'll come up with a neat idea for centerpieces on the tables and for favors, the food and cake should be delightful... but what about my hair?

If you'll recall earlier entries, I haven't had a haircut since that fateful November 2006 appointment... 2 hours long, almost $100 and too short. Since then I've been afraid to let anyone come near my hair with scissors. But the situation is getting dire. I know it's time for drastic measures when I start putting my hair in a ponytail every day just because I'm disgusted with it!

Normally when I get to this point I might just chop it all off again and get right back to where I started from (too short), but now I have "wedding hair" to consider. I guess that lots of brides where their hair pulled back in tight buns. I've never been a fan of having my hair up (yeah... I think it makes me look a little too much like my brother!) so having it pulled back 'tightly' is even less appealing. I think I'd like something loose and with my curls. But if I cut it all off, that only leaves a short, poofy bob.

Man, I know that I would not want to read a biography about someone's hair on their blog, so I apologize. Fiance certainly doesn't understand when these, "OMG WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HAIR IT LOOKS AWFUL," crazes strike. He seems to just stick with, "yes, dear" or "I'm sure that's a great idea" or even better, "you look awesome!"

Maybe it's a hormonal thing... these crazes only occur once in awhile... and they come on strong and fierce! I will not rest until I get it cut (in some form or another)!

Feelin' the Burn

2007-07-18T09:28:00.001-04:00

So things are probably going to be like this for a little while longer (ie inconsistent). Fiance and I are moving this weekend and I'm in a BIG crunch with the two courses I'm taking. Moving + two courses + working fulltime + usually some overtime as well + planning a wedding = SUCK CITY 3000!

Hooray for being an adult?

Yesterday I got a nice card in the mail from a friend congratulating me on our engagement. She is also recently engaged and her wedding is in early May 2008. I wrote her an email to thank her for the card, and I also updated her on where our ceremony and reception are. A few hours later I received a response back that said:

"Why are you copying me...that is exactly what we are doing :) Thank God you didn't say May 10, 2008 or we would have to throw down."

Uh oh!

I wasn't mad or anything, this isn't like when another girl wears the same dress as you to the prom. The city where we're having our weddings isn't THAT big, and there's only so much to chose from. But it IS something to think about. I don't know that I want to go to a wedding in the same place where mine will be two months earlier. Part of me thinks maybe it will break some of the magic of seeing it all set up for a wedding. Maybe I'd be comparing what she has to my plans too much. Who knows!?

Maybe talking about "breaking the magic" is silly altogether and I should just snap out of it. But then again, won't walking into that room full of all our friends be pretty damn close to magic? I know I have months and months to think about it, and I'll feel embarrassed about not going, and maybe then she'll decide not to go to mine... but.... I just don't know.

In other news, I'm going to a Buffy the Vampire Slayer sing along this Saturday night. Apparently the musical episode, "Once More with Feeling," plays on the big screen while actors (not the real ones) also come out and sing at the same time... and of course, the audience sings. I'm hoping to have an awesome time and possibly to meet some fun and awesomely nerdy people to befriend.

After the complete craziness of this month is over, I'm hoping to enjoy some quiet time with fiance. Maybe we can turn off the computers, turn off the phones, and just have no communication with the outside world for an entire weekend. We'll just read, sip pina coladas, maybe watch some BUFFY... I don't know... but it will be great and I'll keep my fingers crossed that this stress breaks (before I do)!

Segway to my Heart

2007-07-13T07:38:00.000-04:00

Friday!! This is thrilling! The first week back at work after a vacation is not fun at all.

I think I may need to get my engagement ring resized AGAIN. He bought it in our hometown, which means that if I part with it I have to wait an entire week until the following weekend when I can go back and pick it up. In the heat it’s tight, but in the cold, air conditioned office or the shower it turns to the side and can easily slip off. Sometimes in the office I wrap a little bit of tape around it, but this is ridiculous… it’s a diamond ring! And I hate ring guards; they pinch the skin on my fingers.

Tomorrow is fiancé’s birthday! We’re going to see Harry Potter. We had a long talk the other day about my job. I was being miserable about it, as usual. I was even feeling pretty down on nursing as a career option. He said that I should either change my attitude about my job or change my job. Suddenly the reasoning I’d been using to keep myself there until next summer doesn’t seem as persuasive as it used to. But finding and interviewing for a new job, going through all the training, waiting to get on a new benefits plan and health care package sounds like a lot of work I’d rather not have. And if I’m too lazy, I should really quit my bitchin’.

A good friend has already said he won’t be coming to the wedding (over one year away). He has a lot of social phobias. In college he went home to his parents’ house every single weekend, all four years. He did it also once he started medical school, but then he got into a car accident that almost killed him. He had to unenroll from school to work on physical therapy, etc. When he started med school again the following year, at first he didn’t drive home as much, but it wasn’t long before he started doing it again. Usually we can’t get him to hang out passed dinner time. He told fiancé and I that he’ll either be studying or doing rounds at the hospital that day, so he can’t come.

I guess I should be understanding if he really has a problem, maybe he can’t control it. But instead I find myself pretty pissed off. He’s known fiancé and I since high school, and we never ask for anything. Is it so much to come out and eat a free meal prepared by a four-star chef, enjoy free beverages, and spend time with your best friends? At first I thought he would probably warm up to the idea after awhile, but now I just don’t think so.

p.s. I got to ride a SEGWAY in Disney World!

BOOKED

2007-07-11T07:45:00.000-04:00

I'm baaaaack.

Alright, I've been back since Sunday, but I'm not really sure what day or date it is. We're moving soon, it's time to get serious with the classes I'm taking, work is work, and, oh yeah, planning a wedding!

One friend who is getting married in May 2008 keeps telling me how far ahead of her I am in planning. I'm not! It’s just that reception sites get gobbled up quickly, so if we want a summer wedding we have to MOVE. A year from when he proposed was late June… then there’s July… then there’s August… then it’s fall already! Not that a fall wedding would be bad, but with friends in grad school or possibly one of us there next year it might makes things more then a little tricky. Also we knew we wanted to get married at our alma mater’s chapel, and August begins to interfere with the revered home football game schedule (they don’t let you get married on football weekends… and they shouldn’t! the place would be a madhouse).

So, if you want to get married at the university chapel you have to enter a lottery system one year before. If you want a July 2008 wedding, then you have to get your name in the hat by July 1, 2007. They start pulling names out of the hat on the first working day of the month and you just have to take whatever is left when your name is called. We decided sure, let’s put our name in there for July.

Luckily we got date we wanted!

The next step was finding that reception site and, again, they go quickly. We decided to go with the city where the university is (that seems to make sense, right?) because that’s where we’re having the ceremony. It’s not a very big city at all, so that limited our choices even more.

My parents went there to visit possible sites on their July 4 holiday, while boyfriend and I were still in Disney. They kept calling to give reports on what they found, but seriously people, we were in DISNEY. It’s a little hard to focus, and I didn’t have internet access. They seemed pretty insistent though that we should go visit these places as soon as possible.

So Friday when we checked out of our Disney resort we hit the road… HARD. We drove the entire day and made it back to VA in about 13 hours. It was a long, long day!

The next day we got up and drove to visit those reception sites. The first place was great, the second place was REALLY not us (think old white men on horseback hunting foxes… think colonial), and the third place was absolutely fantastic. My parents also loved the third place. It only had two weekends left in July that weren’t reserved – and ours was one of them!

So, wedding ceremony site and reception site are BOOKED. And the reception site takes care of the catering!

Sure, that leaves attire, florist, entertainment, transportation, SOMEONE TO MARRY US… but I’m feeling damn good about where things are right now. And so far it’s really been easy. I feel like it’s not supposed to be easy. I’m supposed to sweat and cry and all that. Well, the 13 hour drive wasn’t easy… of course. Tips and advice are always welcome, too. :-)

The Proposal

2007-06-29T09:44:00.001-04:00

Okay, okay... Things have been INSANE.

So, Saturday, June 23, boyfriend had planned a nice day for us. I didn't think anything of it because he's more or less on vacation right now until he starts his new job. I thought we were just trying to do some of those things that we always SAY we're going to do and then never actually GET to do.

So we started off the day at the beautiful Tarara Winery. It was a gorgeous day, and the temperature was unbelievably mild. Tarara was packed, but we finally made our way to the tasting area. Next to us at the bar was an elderly man, although his vibrato made him seem much younger and full of life, with a Peruvian woman. I asked boyfriend if he thought the man was a politician because he just had "that voice." We all got to talking during the tasting, and we found out that he used to co-own a restaurant we used to frequent in Richmond. The man was thrilled to learn about this connection, and he loved talking even more after that. At the end of the tasting he said he was going to get a bottle of wine and that he wanted us to go sit with him and his.. umm.. mistress? and talk. Boyfriend said we'd love to but that we didn't have enough time before our dinner reservation. It was probably for the best, he was one of those people that just makes an awesome story and an uncomfortable encounter... maybe too much would have been too much.

We left Tarara and continued over to Old Town Alexandria for our dinner reservations. Old Town is just wonderful... small streets of lively restaurants and all kinds of neat little shops, lamp posts lit with actual fire instead of electricity, historical things, cute homes with lovely gardens, walking tours, and it's all on the water! We showed up to dinner a little early, so we just walked the park area on the water for a little bit.

We saw a sign that said 'anal center' and we giggled and snorted and took pictures near it. Then we realized it had said 'canal center,' but someone stole the 'c.' Best vandalism ever.

Dinner was at a neat Italian restaurant. The food was definitely great but maybe a bit much on my stomach. After dinner we walked down some of the shop/restaurant streets and then back towards the water. At the water, we sat down on a bench by a trail. We sat there for a little while just not saying too much... enjoying the weather and each other.

I was getting a little curious. All day I felt like maybe he'd been walking on one side of me just a little too much, maybe when I moved to the other side he held my hand a little too stiffly, maybe when I wrapped my ringer around his belt loops or on his pocket's edge he got a little too squirrely, maybe he kept putting his hand into one pocket a little too frequently... was he guarding something? Once when he got up at the dinner table to use the restroom I felt almost certain something was going on. As soon as he'd gotten up he'd plunged his hand into that same pocket! I called a friend on my cell phone, eager to tell her that something was up with him. But when I got her on the line I just felt silly. Was this me overreacting? Am I being crazy-ass girlfriend? I'd better just chill. So I didn't mention anything about it to her, I she was probably a little confused why I called at all.

After a little while on the bench, he suggested we go sit on a gazebo over the water. Sure, no problem. We sat there for another while as boyfriend kept looking over his shoulder and looking around. It was all starting to feel so surreal. I noticed something was bulging in his pocket. Was this it?? Was he about to propose? Is one of us just being totally bizarre?

He suggested we move back to the first bench. My stomach was killing me at this point... I don't know if it was the heavy Italian food or all the uncertainty and anticipation that was mounting.

He suggested we go over to a different gazebo. It was beginning to get a little more dark, the number of people walking around was lessening, but we did have a man standing not too far away who was trying to communicate with the ducks. "wah wah wah wah wah wah," he called to ducks over and over again as boyfriend muttered, "it's time for this guy to go the f*ck away" under his breath.

Things seemed to settle. Boyfriend fiddled with my fingers sweetly. I told him it reminded me of the night of our first kiss. Halloween... high school... on a nice bus heading back from a marching band competition. Boyfriend and I had been flirting for weeks, and on this bus ride in the dark we made sure we sat next to one another. I remember my head was on his shoulder and we were holding hands and playing with fingers. Boyfriend (then, NOT boyfriend) sweetly kissed the top of my head. Me, like a bull in a china closet, took this cue and lifted my head to kiss his mouth... but I think the gesture must have been lost in translation because our first 'kiss' landed quite a bit off.

I guess that was a good intro, because then he began to tell me how he felt about me.

He reached into that curious pocket to pull out a square box. Inside the box was a gorgeous, old-fashioned silver ring box, and inside that was a spectacularly beautiful platinum banded ideal cut diamond.

"Will you marry me?"

Crying, laughing, and a mess of human emotions followed. I wish I could rewind and replay the day so that I wouldn't miss a second of it and so that I could always remember how he looked and the movements he made. But I guess it's those awesome moments that go by so quickly! It was all like a dream. I could not believe it had actually happened. (Oh, and apparently all the changing of benches and gazebos was because he was afraid I'd drop the ring in the water!)

I don't know how we made it back to the apartment, but calling friends and relatives didn't stop for a while. Lots of people didn't answer the phone (curses!), but we got through to most.

So now we're engaged! And if we want a summer 2008 wedding, unfortunately we have to get a move on! Neither of us know what the hell we're doing, but it will fall into place I'm sure. We put our names into the lottery drawing to be married at our Alma
Mater's chapel... the drawing is July 2, so wish us luck!

This weekend we're getting on the road for DISNEY WORLD! He fooled me... I figured if he was going to propose soon he'd probably do it while on vacation. Now instead, we get to celebrate all week! I'm basically so excited that I barely sleep or eat anymore, I just walk around quivering with glee.

So, I'll be out next week... I doubt I'll have internet access. But I wanted to make sure I got this story in before we left. And when I get back, I'll try not to turn this blog into a wedding planning blog! Happy weekend and happy week to all!

HOLY SMOKES, BATMAN!

2007-06-25T07:34:00.001-04:00

F*ck You, I'm Eating!

2007-06-21T07:43:00.000-04:00

A few nights ago I was studying for my PSYCH: Life Span Development course. In the textbook there was a set of photos all of the same man as a newborn, at age 6, at age 15, 19 and 38. I couldn't stop staring at this picture, and for some reason it made me very sad. The man had young, playful eyes that didn't change, but everything else did.

There's some kind of myth about aging, like if we could only appreciate and enjoy our youth and not take it for granted, then age would somehow be kinder to us. We would feel like an old man surrounded by grandkids or a young man who is full from too much turkey at Thanksgiving dinner.

Every speaker I attended in college very nearly pled with us to enjoy our youth and not take this time in our lives for granted. They spoke with urgency and longing. The friends you make here will follow you through your wedding days and after, the parties will live among your greatest memories, work hard and play hard, they urged.

I attended speakers in college, I worked hard for good grades, I spent long hours with my community service fraternity making friends and sweating over a building project, painting, landscaping, etc. I took time to “smell the roses,” I walked the college grounds at night, I looked up at the stars and questioned how small my life is but how much it means to me, I cried and I laughed. I think it’s safe to say that I never took my experience for granted and that I was always keenly aware of my luck at being in such a special place.

However, I want more turkey. Maybe I’m greedy, like the end of a roller coaster ride when the child hurls herself out of the ride and back into the line yelling, “again, again!” Who is really going to get off and say, “my, what an excellent ride that was, I’m thankful for having the opportunity to ride it,” and then go about their business? Not likely, unless you’re a zen master… but then this particular entry never really pertained to or interested you.

We’re basically born with the knowledge that we’re going to die, or we learn it quickly. Yet somewhere between dating, tv shows and playing the xbox we can forget that this unfathomable concept is a reality. Every time I think about old age and death, the thought smashes into the back of my head like an iron frying pan.

I’m enjoying being young, every day. I enjoy and am thankful for boyfriend, every day. This contentment and feeling that I’m living fully brings me no zen wisdom, though. I’m not full from Thanksgiving. I’d like the time back, I’d like more, I’d like to jump from one fiction to another like the people I read about in books, like the movies I love. Does anyone really get to the end of the best meal they’ve ever had, the most compelling novel, the great American movie, or the loved one’s embrace and say, “thanks, I’m satisfied”?

Sewing Machine?

2007-06-20T08:58:00.001-04:00

Does anyone know of a website that gives good instructions on using a sewing machine? I bought one at a yardsale last summer, and I still haven't been able to use it because I just don't know how. It didn't come with an instruction book (although it's in great condition). I searched online to see if the manufacturer had instructions online but I didn't find anything.

It's a 'Brother' and it looks fairly basic... no extra bells or whistles.

Last summer I visited a friend in Philadelphia whose mother had made her a quilt of her old favorite t-shirts. I thought that was awesome! I certainly have some t-shirts I could/should part with, but they have good memories! Any suggestions are welcomed!

Don't Stop Believin'

2007-06-20T07:34:00.000-04:00

Today we enter into Day 3 of Dog Wars. Maggie 10, Parents 0.

Yesterday my mom came into contact with Maggie three or four times. As she finally left the park at 8:45pm, Maggie was lying near the park entrance. I can't imagine how infuriating it must be to see her, be that close to her, call to her, and have her BOLT. No wonder my mom takes it personally, maybe it IS personal.

They've tried coaxing with Milkbones and Snausages. Other people in the park have tried to get her, too. She's just not interested in people. How long will this go on?

In other news, I'd pay you $100 for me not to have to go to work today! I was in a meeting for 5 hours yesterday. Sorry, I did have a one hour break after the first hour of the meeting, but it was still 5 freaking hours!

I remember when I worked one summer at a non-profit in a rural county near Richmond. It was either every Friday or every Monday that we had a staff meeting. They never lasted more than one hour and there was usually food involved. I actually enjoyed these meetings. I was young and stupid!

That place was pretty great, actually. We worked out of an old house. Just being in a house rather than an office seems to make the day a little better. I know some people that worked there didn't have such a good experience because the boss was very hard on them. It was odd because she was very sweet to me. I looked at the website recently and noticed she's not there anymore.

Boyfriend is making fajitas for dinner, so there's a plus side, right? Our apartment had a meet and greet game and pool party this past Saturday afternoon. There was a trivia game, and of course he couldn't pass that up. He won us a margarita set - four margarita glasses, four shot glasses, a pitcher and a little salt/lime plate. When I came home from work yesterday there was a giant bottle of margarita mix sitting on the kitchen counter... I think he's trying to tell me something.

Still No Dog

2007-06-19T07:52:00.000-04:00

I just finished making a LOST poster for my parents with Maggie's picture. You see those posters around all the time, but for some reason I never thought about those animals were lost.

My brother had been calling me like crazy since Sunday, but I was avoiding his call like the plague. The last thing I wanted to hear was his take on the whole situation! Finally last night on my way back from my Anatomy & Physiology quiz I gave in. He said,

"You're not being a dumbass and busting mom's chops about this mutt problem are you?"

I honestly had no idea what he was talking about. Was he thinking I was pressing her to take off work and find the dog? That I would make her feel bad for being so upset? That I would tell her it's her fault the dog slipped out of her collar and ran off?

Apparently it was the latter. Why would I ever say that to her? That's the kind of thing he would say, perhaps. Something must have pissed him off because he tried several different ways to bait me into an argument. Lucky for him I was in a very good mood at the time (I got an 85 on my quiz and the class average was a 69!).

He also wanted to debate about how I was "an emotional child," my marital status, and the last episode of The Sopranos. That about covers it all, right?

I don't think I linked to this article yet, but if you were at all into The Sopranos then you should definitely read it. It makes some amazing points about the last episode, and now I really enjoy the way it ended. I love finding a good article.

Off to another day of sitting in meetings and having no time to finish any of the "top priorities" on my desk! Hoorah!

Once upon a time, we had a dog...

2007-06-18T07:30:00.001-04:00

That's right, yesterday Maggie (like so many before her) decided she'd had enough of living with my parents.

My brother came home Saturday evening, I guess for father's day. Yesterday morning they all went for a family walk in the park with Maggie; it was only the third week we've had her.

One minute she's walking on the leash, the next minute she's slipped out of her collar and she's leash-free. I wasn't there (thank God... it was horrible pandemonium), but from what I understand it happened incredibly fast. Maggie charged off into the woods.

They all looked for her, and they had a few sightings. They couldn't get her to come to them. They looked, in shifts, until 9pm at night. Her last sighting was around 2pm, and then she was gone.

I have to make light because it's just so awful. The whole thing has been awful since we got her. Maggie was not adjusting so well at the house. I don't think it's unreasonable for someone to want a dog that greets you with a wagging tail when you come home after work, that looks forward to seeing you.. man's best friend? Maggie seems to have gotten worse once she moved in instead of getting better.

She's incredibly shy and anxious. She's one year old, and she spent her whole existence living outdoors. She loves the outdoors and fears houses. She also fears most people. To my dad, my brother, one of my dad's friends at work, and boyfriend and myself the last time we were home... she just shakes and shakes like one of us is going to kill her. She backs away and hides in a corner. But the day we got her she was friendly as could be.. she didn't start the shaking until a week after we'd had her. I just don't understand.

Everyone has advice about how to deal with a shy dog, but really nothing had worked so far. Plus, it's probably just too great a task for first time dog owners who both work 10 hours a day. They need something with more loyalty than intelligence that easily accepts and loves the role of family dog.

So, my brother and father probably didn't like her too much. They don't have a lot of patience, and seeing the dog shake and back away every time they go by, when all they've done is be nothing but nice to her, is disheartening.

My mom sees it as a personal attack. She gave the dog a warm home, toys, food, and love and yet the dog would rather run away and go live in the woods. She's a complete mess.

I hadn't gotten to know Maggie that well yet. Of course, I hated how afraid and shy she was too. I wanted to play with her and enjoy her company. It's not her fault, of course. Who knows what kind of life she had. But the thought of all the time and energy we put into this and all the high hopes we had makes it incredibly disappointing... plus terrifying... what's going to happen to her?

They're going to keep trying to find her, but what happens even if they do? She'll probably just run away again. She doesn't really get the concept of her name or coming when it's called. She certainly doesn't enjoy the company of really anyone in the house except my mom. She doesn't really understand how to be a pet.

I feel like we've all failed. I have no idea what's going to happen. Will they find her today, 6 months from now, or never? Will there be another dog? Is this it forever? Should I not worry yet because maybe they'll still find her? That park is huge and densely wooded.

What the hell happened? Why can't we just have something nice like normal people!

Sometimes, I swear... it's like there's a black cloud above my parents house where everything turns to shit!

Ain't Sayin' She's a Gold Digger

2007-06-15T10:29:00.001-04:00

Because boyfriend is done, he's embarking on a party extravaganza. Last night we went out for dinner and drinks with four of first year college roommates, two of which he hasn't seen since graduation.

One is an immensely successful business executive, one just finished his second year of Harvard Law and is also in his second year of marriage, one just finished his second year of Columbia Law, one does something with Homeland Security, and then there's me and boyfriend.

Oh, life, you have such a sick sense of humor! Why did I have to love writing, reading and art instead of accounting or fuel cells? Some people freakin' love talking about fuel cells! Even boyfriend, an English and American Studies double major, is a fake! I was studying my Anatomy and Physiology earlier in the week, throwing out some questions to him about electrons, atomic weight, noble gases, ionic bonds, etc. because he loves being quizzed, and damn if he didn't know every single answer! You know the last time he took a biology course? HIGH SCHOOL!

Whoops! Was I supposed to remember things I learned in high school? Yeah...

Tonight is boyfriend's official program graduation ceremony. They'll have some hors d'oeuvres, a speaker or two, and show slides from the year. Afterwards there will be a party at someone's house. The people in this program are smart, so I'm sure it will be more stories of law school, six digit salaries, and caviar. Okay, maybe not the caviar. I go too far!

Here's how it will go down:

"Hey, Seredne, so what are you doing these days?"
"Oh, ya know, just workin'."
"What do you do?"
"I'm in consulting... I'm also a certified drug test collector!"
"Wow.. that's great!
"Yeah, it pays the bills. What are you going to do now?"
"Well, my father, William J. Moneybanks, IV, owns all these oils companies and he offered me a job there as junior CEO, but I think I'm going to go to law school, then med school, then probably get my PhD in biochemistry and cure cancer. I like politics a lot... so maybe I'll run for president in about 15 years and end poverty and close the achievement gap... maybe a little animal rights and world peace. After that I can always train to become an astronaut where I can bring politics to space and colonize a democratic Europa."

This is the part where I barf all over myself and run out of the room. I'll be like the scary little boy in The Sixth Sense, "I see [successful] people!!"

I'm not intimidated, really. It's actually rather funny listening to people. Instead of flaunting their success they try to denigrate their achievements. They'll say it's just luck, or that they have no idea how they got where they are, or that it's all just a stupid thing anyway. I hope that's not what they really think, because it is awesome that they're so smart and driven. I really don't think I'm a leper of society for leaving law school, and hopefully in time they'll stop feeling like they have to hate on the field when I'm around. I'm past that foaming at the mouth, crazy lunatic ex-law student stage. Hopefully, too, people will stop asking me for advice or comments about law school before they enter, as if in finding out my reasons for leaving they'll be able to mull it over in their own mind and think "well, I'm not like that" or "that statement doesn't apply to me." Been there, done that.

They'll just have to find out for themselves; I'll be busy making other plans [insert coy smiley face].

The Gift

2007-06-14T09:50:00.001-04:00

Congratulations to boyfriend - today is the last day of his job. For the last two years he's being giving blood, sweat and tears to a program that places intelligent and hardworking recent college grads into urban or rural failing schools. It's hard to believe his two years is actually up.

I feel a little bit sad by it. No, I certainly wasn't the one in there every day doing the work, but I was standing by and supporting. I remember as college was ending we were hoping and praying that he would get a placement in the same city (or at least state) where I got into law school. It was a rough year of waiting, gambling and a decent amount of crossing fingers. It turned out the best we could do was four hours away from one another. Four hours apart while I struggled with school and self during law school... four hours apart while he tried to create change in a community that had everything working against it.

I remember driving him to the airport with his parents that summer as we put him on a plane to California for his one month crash course training session. He was so excited and nervous, and he sure as hell had no idea what was in store for him.

I remember driving to Pittsburgh with my parents while he was still in California, trying to find an apartment where (at the time I thought) I'd be spending the next three years of my life. After an extremely stressful day in the heat, having no idea what we were doing, and seeing some apartments that we growing black mold in the sink, I freaked out back at our hotel. I was crying, shaking uncontrollably, and all I knew was that there was no way in hell I could do this. I didn't want to do this. So far away from family, from friends (who are family), from boyfriend (who is everything ). My dad approached me with the hard line, "You can't quit now.. you've got to be a trooper." My mom played the softy, "You can always come back if it doesn't work out." I took to crying in the stairwell and calling boyfriend.

That night while I was sleeping and sniveling in the hotel bed, he was writing me an email from across the country. He should have been sleeping... the training session really only allotted for a few hours each night. Sometimes I look at that e-mail and try to recall that period in our lives. He tried to show me that I didn't have to do anything; I had many other options. It sounds like a basic concept, but truly, I never believed I had any other option than to go. His e-mail was so full of love and hope and gentleness. It reminded me of laughing and passing notes with him in high school and seeing an amazing world in his eyes that seemed so totally possible when he's near.

He works so hard to be better at whatever he's doing, and this year he can actually see in much raised test scores that his work in this program paid off. He'll miss the kids he worked with. I know he worries about not being able to keep in touch with them. Maybe, and most likely, he can't follow them throughout their lives, but surely they'll take parts of him with them.

Because if they looked they would see the same thing I saw in high school, in college, in that e-mail he wrote from California to Pittsburgh, and in the smile he greets me with every morning. They would see their potential in his eyes, they'd see the world as a place that's trying it's best, and they'd see that if they reach for it then there is opportunity... then what seems impossible becomes possible.

Where Does It Get You, Anyway?

2007-06-13T10:03:00.001-04:00

I saw a quote on someone's Facebook profile yesterday that said,

"every day of your life is a test. are you passing?"

Usually I would pass this type of quote off as annoying, or as some type of religious "God is watching you" propaganda. Maybe I should blame it on the mood I've been in lately, but I stopped to think about it.

When I look back on where I've been I feel astonished by how far I've come. But if I look at where I want to be I'm not sure I know how to get there. I wonder if I can get there.

Yesterday I asked boyfriend if our apartment, our building, our city felt like home. He said, "more or less." I hate that everyone moves away after graduation and scatters across the country. I hate that there's almost this compulsion put on young people to go out in the world, find yourself, and make your mark. Do you need to go to Ouagadougou to do it? Why does being independent unequivocally equal good?

I've always liked the phrase that it takes a village to raise a child. Boyfriend grew up in a family where friends are like family and their circle of friends always took a yearly mountain trip while he was growing up. He was surrounded by love. I've always enjoyed going to gatherings at his house because it's so much about having a great time with people instead of showing off the latest piece of furniture or just going through some stiff, formal motions. One of the worst parts of law school was being stuck out in Pittsburgh, four hours away from the nearest friend.

I can't control other people (obviously). But when I think about my life being a test and what I want the answers to be, I want it to be about love and compassion. I wish I didn't have to drive to other cities to visit friends. Home, to me, is where my friends are... where my community is... where I can plant roots, get involved, and what it all grow. I'm not the independent, cut ties and go forth mid-20-something woman I'm supposed to be (rather, that this culture leads us to believe we should be).

Boyfriend showed me this article in his Economist about ' Beware the Bridezilla.' Some woman wrote a book on the bridal industry craze and how to help women avoid the traps. It must be the month to write about weddings, Slate also just did a series of wedding/bridezilla articles. I liked in a Slate article how one journalist wrote:

'Abused bridesmaids, perplexed grooms, and appalled parents complain endlessly about the personality changes that otherwise lovely young women undergo when they start arranging "my day."

Is there anything more revealing than the phrase—uttered with a stamping of the foot and a rising of the voice—"my day"? Of course it's not "our day," because the groom is merely an accessory, like a cake topper. The first time a bride-to-be utters the words "my day," I recommend potential bridesmaids and grooms respond, "Mayday."'

So true. It is madness. Women seem to think all the hoopla is what they're supposed to do, and the bridal industry certainly has no qualms about feeding that lie. Maybe a woman thinks she can endure a marriage where she's the sole person to cook, clean, and take care of the kids if she can just have this one day to do whatever she wants. It's like a payoff. I'm marrying you, I'll do your bidding, but don't get on MY TURF. I agree with the Slate journalist that it should send out a "may day." We're so consumed with everything but what's important.

I also agree with a reviewer on the One Perfect Day book, it falls back to the ideas in an earlier book called Bowling Alone . Bowling Alone talks about the break down of families, communities, etc. I'm not sure why we're running away from eachother, but I blame the wedding business, the moving away after graduation stuff less on some industry and more on some idea we all have of what's "right." I don't know where we get it, but too many people I know seem to have it.

Community involvement is so important to me; my friends are so important to me. I don't know if I'm passing the "life test" yet, but I hope to. I hope I can own a house, look out the window and know my neighbors. I'd like to have a weekly dinner with friends and talk about our dogs. I don't think these values are silly or uncultured or that I should be ashamed for thinking it's alright to want to live in a suburb. Here in DC, I've been told I have an unsophisticated palate because I'm not interested in eating sushi.

What is this place!? How can we be happy unless we shrug off the "I should do this" or "I must do/like this." Who made these rules?

Is it bad that I'm tempted to make every title some kind of groan or 'case of the Mondays' type phrase?

2007-06-12T09:23:00.001-04:00

I couldn't write or read anything yesterday for fear that someone would reveal the ending of The Sopranos series finale before I had a chance to watch it. When I did watch it last night, maybe I wish that someone had ruined it for me. It was disappointing, but not too disappointing... I think I'd already accepted that that show never gives you exactly what you want.

My weekend went pretty well. My mom freaked out, of course, because I had asked four people to come over to the house. Now that I look back on it, I don't know what I was thinking. I should have known better than to have people over. The cookout food was delicious, Knocked Up was hilarious (I'm doing really well with movie luck lately between Waitress and Knocked Up ), and I got some great birthday gifts (including a nifty green Ipod Nano). Yesterday on the walk to work it was fun to watch people march to the song coming from my Ipod. It put me in my own little world... I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Maggie is getting mixed reviews. Saturday she was really strange. She kept shaking if I talked to her, hiding, and generally looking terrified. She wouldn't get up to even eat and she wasn't interested in treats. She seems especially terrified of my dad. Sunday my dad went fishing (who knows if that has anything to do with it) and she was much, much better. She didn't shake, she came to me once when I called her, she took treats, and she even licked my face. She didn't seem this terrified the first week my parents had her. I can't explain what the problem is. Clearly it's going to take her a while before she gets comfortable, and I hope my parents have the patience not to give up too soon.

I've been feeling REALLY down on my job lately. I'm the only female here until 40, which wouldn't be a problem except that everyone else is a young guy fresh out of the frat house. This is their first job. They don't know how to talk to people in a business setting. Sometimes I wonder how this company even runs. I can't go into detail about them or my boss, of course, but I don't think it's an optimal setting for me. Unfortunately though if I tried to find another job I would probably only be there for less than a year before I left for grad school. It probably doesn't look good on my resume to be at a job for that short a period of time (especially after having left law school), plus I would probably cost that company money with all the training a new person requires. Boyfriend says that's still not a good reason for me to stay at my current job... but I'm not so sure.

Beach, Bar Fights and Birthdays

2007-06-08T07:47:00.001-04:00

Okay, okay I'm back! It's hard getting caught up and on your feet after being on vacation, and I really need to spend more time chugging along in my distance learning courses (I don't want this to turn into another scene from Statistics).

First off, I apologize for my whine festival earlier. I just got frustrated with trying to plan a get together. I'm sure that my friends are doing the best they can, and I shouldn't judge. I just had to let off some steam.

So for three days I went to a training seminar for work. I had a pretty good time and I passed the certification test that they gave us at the end with flying colors. Hooray, hooray.

That night myself, boyfriend, and our friend from college who recently returned from 2 years in Senegal with the Peace Corps set out for the beach to meet up with the others. It was so wonderful to see this friend again! Really, it was like no time had passed.

I don't have too much news from the beach. It rained and was cloudy much of the time we were there. We did a lot of eating in little restaurants and diners, playing board games, and sipping cheap beers.

The first night we were there (keep in mind we had to be cagey because we were cramming 5 people into one room) our neighbors got a little rowdy. A group of people stood right outside our door playing the guitar and singing to popular early 90's songs. We were pissed for a while, but we relented and just listened and made fun of them. Around 4am the police came along with the property manager. They tried to kick the group out, but somehow they talked their way out of it.

Also while there I bought a giant $10 piece of cake. It was damned good, and it was getting closer to my birthday... I couldn't resist!

The first full day that we were there when it rained, we went to the movies. Everyone wanted to see "Knocked Up," but I've had plans with some high school friends for a while to go see that. Instead we saw "Waitress." I have to admit, I loved it. There were a few parts that were just a little too corny and I had to snicker in the theater, but overall I really really liked it. And I left the theater with an overwhelming desire to bake and eat PIES. I'd really recommend this movie to anyone looking for something fun but smart, the way a real 'romantic comedy' should be.

The day we left was nice outside (of course). We were able to sit on the beach for a little while, then we checked out of the hotel and headed to where one person's parents live (she's from the beach). We had brunch at a diner near here house; it was adorable, everyone knew everyone. When we finally got to her house it was awesome to be able to see where she grew up. She was mostly moved out of her bedroom, but there were some things that reminded me so much of my own room. Teen angst song lyrics written along the wall, certain pictures and quotes tacked up on the wall, empty boxes of animal crackers lining the door frame and a few relics from high school boyfriends... she and I could have been great friends growing up. Our rooms said a lot about how we much we wanted someone to notice that we were 'different.'

Boyfriend drove on dropping different people off as we passed their city. Our friend from Peace Corps had the farthest to go, she was going to visit our old college town for a week and catch up with people there. Somehow she convinced us to stay the night there as well and leave in the morning.

I saw my first bar fight. It was between two guys from the Rutgers baseball team that was in town for a tournament. One guy broke a bottle and then held the glass shard up to another guy's neck. The one who was threatened went nuts, screaming and yelling all sorts of things: "I had your back for three years, and this is what you do? I'm out of my f*cking mind!" This went on and off for hours, after what seemed like forever the one guy got kicked out of the bar but it raged on in the street. I guess I remember why I don't like bars.

The bar fight aside, I love the town my alma mater is in. I'd gladly go back there, buy a little house, get a dog, go to lectures on weeknights and just generally enjoy life.

Wednesday was my birthday. I love and adore birthdays. I am finally starting to realize that I'm not getting any younger, though! One of the things boyfriend gave me is my choice of a cooking class at Sur La Table. I think I'll take the fondant course; maybe it's not the most utilitarian choice, but I think it will be fun! I'm headed back to my parents' house tonight for a little birthday grilling and then going to see "Knocked Up" with some friends. And, of course, I'd like to see Maggie again.

Perhaps the best birthday present I got, though, was last night. My brother has started this new thing where he loves calling after I'm asleep. It's irritating as hell to be woken up, but it also sucks for boyfriend. He gets really startled when all of a sudden my phone starts vibrating and going nuts. My brother told me last night that the military board met on his case yesterday, and he is not being deployed to Iraq. Not being deployed! NOT NOT NOT. Thanks freakin' GOD!

Bitching, Moaning

2007-05-30T13:40:00.001-04:00

Today is my last day in the office until Wednesday. Wooooo!

Tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday I will still be doing work related things outside of the office... but it's still out of the office. I took off on Monday and Tuesday because I'm supposed to go to the beach with some friends from college.

You wouldn't think it would be so difficult to get a small group of people together, but let me tell you something, it is! Everyone except for boyfriend and I are either leaving or just getting back from another country. Most of these people are in graduate school now, where do they get this kind of money? I think they think that I must have money because I'm out of school and working, but the truth is that my net worth could make a person CRY!

First, there is the obvious law school debt. Go on and look up how much it costs to attend law school. Now, think about that sum of money to attend for just one year... with no law degree, no legal credibility, nothing. Basically think of flushing all that cash down the toilet.

Next, I live in the DC area. I know people always bitch and moan about how expensive it is to live in DC, but it really is. My teeny one bedroom is more expensive than my parent's mortgage on their house. Yes, I'm splitting it with boyfriend, but even after that it's still outrageous.

Plus I'm a part-time student. I never knew before how expensive science textbooks are. I never wanted to know.
Plus boyfriend and I are going to Disney World; what are we thinking?

Last, I was a goddamned liberal arts major! Sure, my parents tried to warn me. They said, "what are you going to do with a history degree?" They suggested law school, med school, who knows what school... the point is that I didn't listen. I could be a female engineer and have companies drooling over me and chucking money at me, instead I'm a B.A. It should be something more like W.L. - We Lied [we said this degree was versatile, but you're still not very competitive and won't get paid much], or more simply Y.L. - You Lose [SUCKER].

We're supposed to check in to our hotel at the beach Saturday night, yet no reservations have been made. Why? Because I'm being passive aggressive; I knew everyone would just assume that either myself or boyfriend would do it. Okay, two of them have legitimate excuses, but the other one? Don't even get me started... even though I'm clearly already started.

So, let's get to the heart of the issue. I think that I'm... hurt. Sometimes I feel that some of my college friends don't really try that hard to keep in touch, that they don't really care about me, that they only want to talk about their successes, that they won't connect with me on a 'real' level like we used to, and that they won't put themselves out at all or do anything that inconveniences them in the slightest.

Maybe it's harsh, but sometimes you need to vent, right?

It gets old feeling like I'm always writing the first email, making the first call, offering encouragement on a current worry, or making the damn hotel reservation. If I disappeared, "would anybody even notice, would anybody even care?" To quote my favorite Buffy episode (ie, the musical - Once more with Feeling ).

I'll quit wallowing and being overly dramatic for now, but don't worry... I'm sure it'll come back at some point.

Maggie

2007-05-29T13:40:00.001-04:00

Well, my family got a dog!

Saturday morning we set out our plan to visit three different rescue organization stands. We had applications for two dogs already sent in to two of the rescue groups, and the third we didn't know too much about. The very fluffy chow/golden mix whose photo I fell in love with was at the 2nd rescue organization on the list (they opened later), but there was also a very attractive lab mix that my mother found online Friday; this dog would be at the first place we planned to visit.

So, we didn't get too far in our search! The first dog we went to see was clearly the best option for my parents. She was a one year old (out of the puppy stage), medium sized (shouldn't get any bigger), housetrained (major plus), sweet and very attractive female lab mix who even knew "sit!" She needs some work on the leash and to learn some basic commands.. as well as her name!

We filled out the paperwork, bought all sorts of toys, leashes and collars, dog bowls, etc., and Maggie Mae (previously "Fawn") came home with us that afternoon! She spent most of her time in her crate, unwilling to explore the house or even venture out of the family room. I think the move was a bit much for her! She slept most of the day.

We've slowly been introducing her to the cat as well. I read that the best way to do it is to have the cat come in while the dog is locked in the crate, if the dog lunges or barks then you should immediately reprimand the dog and remove the cat from the area. You're supposed to keep doing this until you get no reaction from the dog. The next step is to have the dog on the leash with the cat nearby, same routine with reprimanding and separating. For some people this takes a while, for others it takes no time at all. Maggie hasn't lunged or barked, but she did give a little growl the first time. We're taking it slow, but it doesn't look like it's going to be a problem.

Her first vet and grooming appointment is this week. Unfortunately I won't see her again until the weekend of June 9. I'm sure there will be some big changes by that time, she should be much more comfortable.

I'm thrilled, incase you couldn't tell!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-05-28T00:04:00.000-04:00

Learn to love the questions?

2007-05-25T19:56:00.000-04:00

This week dropped by painfully for me. There are some things about my job that are great... the room to learn many different things, lots of different exposures and new responsibilities, adequate pay, my own office...

But there are some things that just plain suck and there's no way getting around it.

I have been looking forward to DOG SHOPPING the entire week! I decided to journey home to my parents house again this weekend (and you KNOW how I feel about THAT) so that me, boyfriend, and my parents can go hunting all the different adoption "centers" around the city. I have been trying not to think about the one dog that I really like; I just know that we're going to stumble over a few more roadblocks before we find "our" dog. That being said, I have high hopes that we'll meet him or her this weekend!

So, I hope everyone has an EXCELLENT, much-needed Memorial Day holiday!

Patience and Impatience

2007-05-23T09:29:00.001-04:00

I would just like to say that my scale told me I dropped another pound this morning.

You might say, one pound... who cares? People's weight fluctuates all the time!

Well, not my weight. I've been checking my weight for quite a few months now, and the number I saw today has not popped up on the scale in a long time. So I'm taking it as a big win and also as some great encouragement to keep doing what I'm doing - eating smart and not binging when I get home from work on anything I can find.

Hopefully next week I'll add exercise to the mix - this week has just been too stressful and I've really needed my sleep.

The dog people won't be able to schedule a meeting before this weekend. I'm nervous, and still keeping my fingers crossed.

Please Let this Work

2007-05-22T19:57:00.001-04:00

My mom has been talking about getting a dog for a long time, but it wasn't until after she began to get over Max's death that she began looking.

On Saturday I took her to get a manicure and a pedicure as part of a belated Mother's Day present (she's always complaining that she's XX years old and never had a manicure). Afterwards we walked down to the pet store where they had a bunch of dogs outside that afternoon.

Usually when we walk by the dogs there's just a bunch of barking, nothing too breathtaking. But this time there was a guy who actually caught our eye. He was calm, he took his treats gently, and he was so unusual colored and speckled; we'd never seen a dog quite like him before.

Apparently he was a Catahoula mix. I'd never heard of that breed before, and I generally try to keep up on dog breeds. Catahoulas are no Golden Retrievers, they're more independent but still very loyal, and this dog seemed really perfect for what my parents were looking for - a calm companion who won't jump all over you when you walk in the door. This dog was about 1.5 years old, just passed being a puppy.

She filled out the application on Sunday, and the volunteers had all told us that there hadn't been any competing interest in the dog. This morning she emailed them just to make sure they'd received the application. They said that they had it, but that the dog would be going home this weekend.

That wasn't very descriptive... we didn't know if that meant someone else had already adopted him or if he'd be going home with us. After a few more emails begging for clarification we found out that the dog was indeed adopted by someone else.

The first feelings were frustration - we'd been told there was no one else interested in the dog. We were preparing ourselves, getting comfortable with him and the idea of having a dog, talking about buying a crate, talking about names.

I knew that something like this could very likely set my mom off to the whole idea and just make her frustrated. I quickly looked for other options so that she'd know there were plenty of other options out there. There was one dog in particular that I absolutely loved, a very young Golden Retriever/Chow Chow mix. My advisor in college had this type of mix, and he frequently brought his dog, Leo, to class. Leo would sprawl out in the front of the room, listening. Sometimes he'd get up and ask for love from the students in the front row; I remember thinking how awesome he was and how I'd like a Chow/Golden mix. Judging from the pictures, this dog was beautiful, but I never thought my parents would go for it.

But they did! Even my dad (who doesn't get excited about these things) suddenly got proactive and started calling and emailing the rescue group. They told us that if we were interested we could submit an application online, and since it's early in the week we could possibly get someone to bring the dog over to our home to see how things go... if everything went well, after a mandatory training class Friday evening we could take the dog home.

I told myself not to get excited again, but here I am jumping out of my skin! My family has never had a dog, though both my parents had dogs when they were younger. I have always wanted a dog, and I anticipate the experience of owning one with boyfriend frequently. I know I'll feel absolutely horrible if someone has already adopted this dog or is further along in the process, especially because she's basically the dog I've dreamed off... she's completely beautiful. The ad says she's sweet, shy, and gets along well with other animals.

Please, please, please let this work out. Please. I think that this pup would be wonderful for my family and that we could give her a lot of love. I try not to ask for much, but if you pray...

Eyes (still) on the Prize

2007-05-18T17:15:00.001-04:00

Last night coming home from work was the triple crap on my face!

Something was up with the metro, so the ride home took 30 minutes longer than usual.

When I got in I checked my snail mail, and a letter with my Statistics grade was waiting for me. It had both the exam grade and the final grade. Let's just say, "ouch!" I passed, but it's not exactly the way I wanted to present myself to potential nursing programs. But I also don't think that I could bare taking that horror again. I guess I'm just going to have to bust my butt in all the other prereqs and hope that those grades combined with my solid undergrad grades will be enough. Still a bummer, though! I know I didn't deserve a good grade with how much I procrastinated and how little I cared, but my distance learning professor was not a big help either.

When I got up to the apartment door, a little white envelope was sticking out from underneath. It turned out to be a letter from the apartment building maintenance manager stating that he'd be coming in on the 18th for our move out inspection. Inspection already!? And on such short notice?!

The letter said that we didn't need to clean; the maintenance officer would only be inspecting the appliances to get a feel for what, if anything, needed work before the next tenant moves in. But come on, people, you don't schedule a move out inspection with less than 24 hours notice unless you want to catch someone doing something.

Little did they know, I wasn't standing for those shenanigans! I stayed up late scrubbing anything I could find... bathroom tiles had old grout scraped off and new grout smoothed down, burners on the stove could give you your reflection, minor marks and smudges were removed from the walls with a little elbow grease (and 409) and yes, you could even eat off the linoleum in the kitchen.

Boyfriend went to bed. I tried not to get too agitated, but when you're sweating in your pajamas, wiping up trimmed beard hairs from around the bathroom sink, and you've somehow managed to get tile grout in your hair... everyone and everything becomes a target!

Hopefully when I get home today I won't see an eviction notice taped to the door. It's not easy keeping such a small area that contains two people clean. I hope we do better when we move in a month and a half, but I make no guarantees!

Luckily, today has been less of a crapfest. Boyfriend and I picked our dates to go to Disney World, and my boss already OK'd my vacation time! That's right...

The first week in July, baby! We're going to Disney World!

Big Smiles All Around

2007-05-17T15:43:00.001-04:00

I got confirmation that the leasing office received our paperwork, and we're good to go! All we need to do is stop by some time to finish crossing t's and dotting i's. Moving is exciting, even if it is only going up a few floors. Already I'm thinking... maybe we should look into a new couch, maybe boyfriend needs a smaller desk, maybe we should have matching dressers, maybe it's time I got a new comforter.

Silly me, thinking that moving will suddenly make any of my furniture match or any of our rooms have balance.

Maybe one day when I have money I'll focusing on giving my home a "theme." Or, maybe when I get married my wedding guests will be very generous with their gifts! Yeah... they probably have as little money as I do.

I ran into one of my college aptmates (1 of 3 others) last night getting off the metro. We haven't seen eachother (or spoken) in two years. She had some problems back then (yeah, problems with stealing mine and another roommate's stuff!), but I tried to be friendly. She's still spacey and bizarre, and she seems very unhappy in her profession.

Right now the only people I really knew left in college are about to graduate. They're currently at their beach week extravaganza in Myrtle Beach. They're probably drinking coladas, running around naked, canoodling... ohhh jealousy.

But actually, not that much jealousy. The old roommate I ran into kept exclaiming, "You look good! You look happy!" Why thank you; I feel pretty good and happy! I'm not in law school (though my Dad reminds me daily that I could have been finishing my second year of law school this month). That also means I'm officially one year OUT of law school. That's right, let the good times roll.

A quick and dirty update

2007-05-16T12:49:00.001-04:00

YES, I keep dropping off the face of the Earth!

1) It's hard when really the main thing going on is work. Long, painful hours of work. And I can't talk about work here, no matter how much I want to, because there's a strong possibility my butt would get the boot. My butt does not like boots.

2) Let's talk about Stat. Remember a few postings ago when I said that I had three chapters left of Statistics and a week before the final? When I came home from work Friday (5/11) I STILL had those three chapters to do before the final. The final was Saturday (the testing center was only open from 9am-1pm and closed on Sunday).

Yeah, so that was FUN. Boyfriend and I stayed up until 4am working until my eyes became completely blurred and I started vomiting. I was not made for "all-nighters," especially not all-nighters of MATH. So I crashed at 4am with one chapter left, and boyfriend finally crashed at 4:30am. We set the alarm for 6:30am and then got right back to work.

We finished the third chapter and quiz around 9am, the same time that the distance learning center opened that day. We called just to make sure that we absolutely had to take the final that day (the last day of the semester was Monday). To our immense relief, the center told us that we could take it Monday.

After that we collapsed.

We took the final Monday after work. It was irritating, the exam was multiple choice and several questions had you choosing between answers that were .01 apart. It makes you second guess yourself; it becomes a question of whether you can outsmart the test, not whether you know the material. I was thoroughly aggravated. Stat really turned out pretty badly. That being said, I still have high hopes for both PSY 231 - Lifespan Development and BIO 141 - Human Anatomy & Physiology.

3) After an awful Friday night and Saturday morning, Saturday evening turned out great. Boyfriend and I went to The Italian Store, a place he'd read many good things about. The place lived up to its ratings - he had a great sub with salami and proscuitto and I had some incredible pizza with fresh garlic on top.

After the Italian Store we got some ice cream at The Dairy Godmother , another place he'd read wonderful things about. This place was also exceptional. Their 'ice cream of the day' was Maple Walnut, and let me tell you, I scarfed that DOWN!

After loading up on delicious, fattening food, we saw Hot Fuzz at the movie theater. I was prepared to dislike this movie, I thought it would be just too silly. I actually really enjoyed it and it was a lot funnier than I'd thought.

So, a shitty day really can turn out wonderfully.

4) The apartment. You know how I feel about it: it's small, there's no room for a kitchen table (thus, no entertaining !), and the best feature (the girl who used to constantly walk around in her birthday suit) is gone, gone, gone.

We visited a condo for rent that I found on Craigslist. It was surprisingly nice, but it just didn't have that special something to make the whole hassle worthwhile.

We finally went to our leasing office to discuss renewal/termination options, and she told us about another unit in the same building that's a little bit bigger. It wouldn't be that much more expensive at all AND there's room for a kitchen table! It's a few floors above the one we're on now, but it still faces the courtyard. There's a good chance that we could even be next to a new naked neighbor.

Boyfriend was pretty gung ho about it from the get-go. I, of course, saw only the pitfalls and setbacks. Just when he won me over, I'd gone and made him nervous too. But we finally made a decision, and I shoved the paperwork to transfer to the new unit underneath the door of the leasing office this morning. Woo.

I'll try to be more like Kant, okay? Until then, I'm going to get a smoothie!

If someone had told me this story, I'd probably think they were lying.

2007-05-07T09:39:00.001-04:00

My weekend was pretty absurd. I'm not sure of a better word for it! It was almost like college again.

Saturday night boyfriend and I had plans to go to Ed's, a high school friend who now lives in the area and was having a Cinco de Mayo cookout. On Friday night, two other high school friends who don't live around here decided to come up and go also. They got here early Saturday afternoon to go first to a Crawfish Festival in Alexandria, VA; $30 for all you can eat crawfish and all you can drink beer. Boyfriend and I didn't go ($30 is a bit steep for us, plus the weather looked questionable), but our friends were going to come back to our place after the festival and before the cookout so that we could all go over together.

From the time they left the festival until they got to our apartment, it took about two hours. I'm not sure what they were doing or where they were, but they already pretty drunk when they got to our apartment. So by the time we got to the cookout things were already interesting.

Now, you should probably understand that the host of the cookout, Ed, is a pretty nice guy. In high school he was an ass, prone to a misanthrope attitude and irritable outbursts. I don't know how he did it, but he's mellowed out a LOT. Still, his relationship to the rest of us basically consists of us poking fun at him... extreme fun. So, with friends who had been drinking all day, it probably won't surprise you that most of the evening consisted of jokes that would make most people blush.

But there were some other characters at the party. When we first walked into the apartment the first thing I heard was a very large girl railing about people under 25 getting married. She said, "Ok, raise your hand here if you're under 25 and engaged or married... I mean, I just don't get it. It's, like, everyone!"

Clearly what she meant was, "I'm not even in a serious relationship yet. I'm very insecure, so I'm going to make other people feel like what they're doing is wrong to make myself feel better." I took a quick mental note to avoid this person.

Unfortunately avoiding her wasn't possible. I was hanging out with "the guys" on the balcony, when she finally found us. She asked if any of the guys there were single, because she just had to hook up with someone tonight. The host had promised her single guys were going to be there, and she was just soooo depressed that she hadn't found any. This girl then asked my boyfriend if he wanted to make out!

My guy friends, smart people that they are, all quickly exited the balcony... but they left boyfriend and I out there with no easy escape! Boyfriend explained he was dating me. She looked crestfallen, but that didn't stop her. She said, "Am I that unattractive?" She repeatedly asked us both several times, then launched into, "I thought guys liked big boobs... I have big boobs!" She rubbed them for us, then turned back to, "Am I that unattractive?" and made more requests to make out. Finally she decided, "I need to show off more cleavage," and she pulled her already low shirt down much lower.... too low.

Thank the Gods, the girl finally realized she didn't have her cell phone in her purse, so she went back into the apartment. Boyfriend and I just stared dumbly at eachother for 30 seconds, trying to figure out what the hell just happened. He felt sorry for her, obviously she had some SERIOUS self-esteem issues, but I was a little less sympathetic. Not that I felt threatened by this girl at all, but when someone repeatedly asks your boyfriend to make out, feels herself up and pulls her shirt down low, I think it just makes you want to get the hell out of there.

We didn't really see her again that night; we heard later that she was passed out in the host's bedroom. We tried to be nice to the rest of the guests, but I think the bizarre events from earlier had put us in a weird state. My one friend's jokes about the host also grew, and I don't think any of the other guests really 'got it.' It probably also didn't help that that friend was much more drunk then anyone else there and ended up breaking his pants so that he had to walk around with his zipper down, looking even more like a disheveled homeless person then he already did. I finally found him in the kitchen stealing beers from the fridge and hiding them in his pants.

I took that as a sign it was probably time to go, and as that friend was shutting the door he said, "Fuck you, Ed!" (the host). He told us that saying "fuck you" was just his way of saying "bye," and that Ed obviously knew that. Well, I don't think the other guests knew it. And we had probably just sealed our fate as the "sketchy people" at the party. I'd never been with the sketchy group at a party before... I was certainly an experience. Of course, I thought the "I have to hook up tonight" girl was more sketchy, but I don't know if everyone was privy to the same great conversation with her that I had.

The two friends who came up for the cookout wound up crashing at our apartment. I don't know what possessed us to do this, but we played a drinking game before bed. I'm not sure if we got through it all because everyone was rolling around the floor towards the end. I woke up (even though I didn't know I had fallen asleep) around 3:30am, passed out on the couch with one of the guys asleep on the other end of the couch and the other one asleep next to us on the floor. Boyfriend had somehow already dragged himself to the bedroom.

The next day, even though we told them that we had a lot of work to do on Sunday, we could not get them to leave the house. We tried everything, but they just wouldn't go... they were probably still drunk and they didn't leave until 5pm. Although I love and treasure their ridiculous company, we REALLY did have things to do. Most importantly, our Statistics final is this coming weekend and we still have three chapters we haven't done.... oops? All in all, nothing beats high school friends. We all have known eachother for so long, back through all our strange and awkward phases. Everytime I hang out with these people is a great time and I hope it keeps up forever.

One of the guys called Ed early Sunday evening to check in. It looks like we may not always be remembered as the sketchy guests, because apparently one of the girls at the party had a panic attack at 2am after we had already left. He didn't say who it was, my bet is probably unfortunately on the hook up girl...

Science and Dinner

2007-05-04T10:55:00.001-04:00

Happy Friday!

I know I'm thrilled. Although I do have about four or five chapters in my distance-learning Statistics class to catch up on. After the midterm (where the questions were nothing like what was asked on quizzes) I kind of crapped out and didn't touch the book for... well... over a month.

I'm really hoping that my complete lack of interest, even disdain, for the Statistics course are based on that it's:
1) MATH (I HATE math)
2) I'm not good at teaching myself math
3) The professor who you can contact with questions doesn't really speak English
4) it's MATH

Hopefully these assumptions are correct, because beginning May 21 I've signed up for two, yes two, more distance learning courses for the summer. These are two more prerequisites to continue moving towards an accelerated nursing degree - Life Span Development (birth to death) and Human Anatomy & Physiology I.

The Life Span course looks like it will be pretty straightforward. I believe that I'll be watching lots of 30 minute videos and then writing papers about the videos. And I can write a paper like nobody's business! The Human Anatomy course will be a lot of memorization; it's something that I simply can NOT put off. If I don't stay on top of that class then I'm sure it will run right over me.

I'm excited for these next two courses. I think they'll both be fun and interesting, and they should also give me a much better idea if I'm still going in the right direction. I still haven't gotten around to mentioning any of this to my family, and I still think that's a good move.

In other news, I'm going to a Cinco de Mayo cookout tomorrow night. The Evite says that it's not necessary to bring anything but I feel bad showing up without anything... plus I ENJOY making things! Unfortunately I don't know anything about Spanish cooking, but somehow I started thinking about Empanadas. I don't know if these are really Spanish, and I certainly don't know how to make them. I've been trying to look up recipes online, but they're all very different. At this point I'm on the verge of drooling thinking about empanadas. I think I might kill for one!

Anyone happen to have a good empanada recipe??

When Someone Sent this to me I was Prepared to Hate it, But it's Kind of Awesome

2007-05-03T07:49:00.000-04:00

The title goes...

Baby Got Musical!

Ever wondered what would happen if Gilbert and Sullivan wrote popular 90's rap songs? We think, it would go a little something, like this:

Ughhh

2007-05-01T07:40:00.000-04:00

It's time to get a new doctor when:

a) She tells you that your ideal healthy weight is between 115-149 when in reality... 115 is beyond unrealistic for someone who is 5'10", unless you want to look like Kate Moss.

b) She's rather pushy about vaccinating you for HPV.

c) NEW: You pass out as soon as you walk in the office, but no one offers you water or a piece of candy to suck on; in fact, they seem pretty unconcerned and possibly afraid of you.

d) NEW: You explain to the medical assistant who is taking your weight that you're going to pass out again and you need to sit down. Right before you sit on the table that she originally had you at she says, "oh, well, then I need to put you in a different room." What??

e) NEW: When you finally get to see the doctor, she tells you that you're probably just a little dizzy and not going to pass out (excuse me, lady, I know what passing out feels like... plus, I'd just done it a few moments ago! wtf, people, wtf), that you probably just have 'some virus' that will go away in 7-10 days, and then she pats you on the shoulder and tells you to be careful walking home.

I think if I go back to that office, I should probably see someone else in the practice. The other doctors seem okay. The one that I see is maybe too fresh out of med school (she's very young); I actually find myself wishing she acted a little more 'doctory.' My old doctors always used more official words when talking to me... urinate, defecate, etc. This doctor asks me how's my pee. I guess she's just trying to be more approachable with patients, but for some reason it freaks me out a little.

But, I'm going back to work today. Hopefully I don't barf or pass out or get another fever. I work with medical people, so maybe they'll be a little more sensitive if I passed out, instead of acting like I'm just some crazy woman on drugs or who has leprosy.

Boyfriend is staying home today. He has slightly different symptoms, but he's still not that great either. Whenever one of us is sick we just pass it back and forth. I guess this is what I have to look forward to when I have kids.

Out of the Office

2007-04-30T07:47:00.000-04:00

Sorry, gang. Out of the office today with a sore throat and fever.

All night I rolled around with sweats and chills. I feel absolutely awful.

Some More Weekend Links

2007-04-29T14:57:00.000-04:00

What do 300 Calorie Meals Look Like?

and

Female Body Shape in the 20th Century.

Another thing for my priority list...

2007-04-28T16:28:00.000-04:00

I know I've said it before, but I just have to make reading the advanced manual for my Canon PowerShot a priority.

I was looking through some Flickr photos belonging to the glass doorknob, and her sweet treats set is just awesome. Of course it doesn't hurt that I'd like to eat just about everything she has taken a picture of, but I really love the lighting, depth, etc. in her shots.

And now I have hope; Flickr says the camera used to take the photos was a Canon PowerShot S500, which doesn't seem that different from my A540.

I just need to find some time (har har).

Very Interesting, Very Bizarre

2007-04-27T18:51:00.000-04:00

Street installations around DC, NY, London...

Cat Fight

2007-04-27T09:40:00.001-04:00

So, boyfriend and I have been living together in our tiny apartment for just about nine months. It's a nice little place, even though there isn't even room for a kitchen table (which is a CRIME because I have dreams of food get-togethers, of course). We got some plants a while ago, and that certainly spruced things up. But wouldn't a small pet really be great? We can't have dogs in our apartment, but we can have a cat... for the nominal price of $50/month !

Yes, cats pay rent here too. Thanks, overpriced DC area.

That cost is ridiculous, but I thought maybe I could just smuggle the cat in... no one would know, right? Or maybe we'll find a new place close by after our lease is up, some place where you can actually eat at a real table instead of those fold out tv table things.

I started looking for places to get pets online - shelters, SPCA's, Washington Post ads, etc. On the SPCA's website I found an adorable little kitten named Turtle. He was brown, black and gray splotches. The website described him as playful and curious. Alright, I probably should be looking at descriptions that say something like 'peace-loving' and 'loves to cuddle,' but he was just too cute.

But then I noticed on the website that it says the kittens can only be adopted in pairs. Pairs?? $50/month for one cat alone is already too much, not to mention the expense of food, little, and vet bills. I had to find out if this was true or if it was just to discourage "non-serious buyers."

-----------------------------------
From: seredne@gmail.com
To: [spca representative]
Sent: Mon, 9 Apr 2007 11:37 AM
Subject: Turtle

Hello,

I was admiring 'Turtle' today and I noticed that it says they must be adopted in pairs. If someone just wants one kitten to devote their attention to (seeing as how kittens can be a handful!), I am just wondering why these kittens must be adopted in pairs?

Thanks,
Seredne
-----------------------------------

I tried to present myself as a thoughtful and sensitive cat-lover, thinking I might win her over. Nope.

-----------------------------------
From: [spca representative]
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2007 11:59 AM
To: seredne@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Turtle

Hi Seredne,

This is a misconception that most people have when deciding to add a cat to their home. One single kitten will likely be lonely and destructive. I can't tell you how many people contact us every summer having gotten a single kitten and soon realize it was a mistake and seek to find a second kitten.
Please read the info below. If you change your mind and would consider adopting a pair please get back in touch with us. Thanks

When Should Kittens Be Adopted In Pairs*
Required when there is not a preexisting kitten or young adult cat in the home
that would likely become a playmate/companion to the newly adopted kitten.

•Kittens need interaction with other kittens for healthy social development.
A kitten learns a lot in the first several months of life from its mother and littermates. Separating a kitten from its mother is often a necessity for adoption purposes, but taking it away from its littermates and isolating it can delay the kitten's development emotionally, socially, and sometimes physically. Kittens who are able to remain with one of their littermates or a similarly-aged companion tend to be healthier and happier, and in the long run, better socialized pets than those who are isolated from others of their kind at an early age.

•Even loving, caring, humans are not adequate substitutes for kitten companionship.
Even if a person is fortunate enough to be home quite a bit, the amount of attention a lone kitten will demand is likely to occupy more time than the person has available. A pair of kittens will definitely still want to interact with people, but can keep each other occupied. Most cats, regardless of their age, are highly sociable and are truly happier living with other cat companions. This in turn makes them better pets.

•Kittens are curious and crave constant stimulation.
Out of boredom, a single kitten will often entertain itself by chewing plants, climbing drapes and furniture, unrolling toilet paper, exploring electrical cords and sockets, etc. Kittens who live with other kittens may sometimes do these things as well, but if they have another kitten to tumble around and play with it is less likely they'll need to entertain themselves with behaviors like these, which can be destructive and dangerous.

•Kittens bite and wrestle with one another--this behavior is normal.
You can't prevent a kitten from doing what comes naturally, any more than you can force a two-year-old toddler to sit still. Though it's not acceptable for a kitten to bite and wrestle with its human companions, in the absence of having a littermate or companion its own age to play with, this is precisely what a single kitten will want to do. Even if you are willing to allow (and can tolerate) this behavior from your kitten, by the time the kitten matures, you will end up with an adult cat who has developed very bad habits ( i.e. biting and scratching as "play").

•Kittens are very active at night.
A single kitten is likely to keep people awake at night with constant jumping, pouncing and other "hunting" behavior. With a companion to play with at night, this behavior is minimized because they will have each other to chase and play games with until they too fall asleep.

•A single kitten is not a good companion for an older cat.
Kittens have boundless energy. They want to play and run constantly which typically overwhelms and irritates an older cat. Likewise, a kitten is apt to be frustrated that its companion doesn't have its same level of energy. At the very least, this can lead to two very unhappy cats. At worst, behavior problems such as litterbox avoidance or destructive scratching can occur as one or both cats act out their frustrations on their surroundings. Its not likely that the two will have a close, bonded relationship, even after the kitten matures, since their experiences with one another from the beginning of the relationship are likely to be negative. An older kitty is better matched with a cat closer to its own age and temperament.

*SPCA requires that young kittens be adopted in pairs unless you have an existing kitten or young cat at home. This policy is NOT based on a desire to increase our number of adoptions. Rather this ensures that the kittens we rescue, nurture, and love are adopted into homes that offer the best possible environment for their social development. We understand that some people will still want to adopt a single kitten. Most rescue groups have similar policies regarding kittens. Thus, we suggest you adopt from a local animal shelter where kittens may not otherwise find any home.
-----------------------------------

SMACK - that woman told me!

I had a single cat for many many many years and he wasn't destructive at all! He was a little bit grumpy, but that's just his style. Fine, when we brought another kitten into the house years later he wasn't pleased... and the two bit and swatted at eachother constantly. But I just can't believe that a place that should be helping loving families adopt animals will not relent on this two cat only policy. Even if I wanted two cats, the cost really would cripple me.

I tried to explain my side, but...

-----------------------------------
From: [spca representative]
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2007 12:28 PM
To: seredne@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Turtle

There are a lot of conisderations that go into choosing a compatible pair. What breed/color were your cats? Sex? By any chance declawed? Both the same age? Same litter?

I would be curious to see if your two cats have any of the characteristics we usually employ when trying for a good match.
-----------------------------------

I didn't even bother responding.

SPCA also hates people who declaw their cats. They sent me more on how declawed cats have no balance and live completely miserable lives, constantly in fear. I really didn't get this impression from my other cats, but I guess she's the expert? Cats have been adopted without pairs for yeaaaarrrs, and many if not most of them are declawed (at least in the front paws). I could probably deal with not getting them declawed, but the pair-only policy kills the deal.

I haven't heard from my friends or relatives that their cats are off in the corner drinking all the vodka alone, trying to commit suicide out of the second story window or falling on a kitchen knife. This woman really made me feel like shit. I know it's their policy, but she made it sound like I know absolutely nothing. I don't want to think that Max, who recently died at 19, was incredibly depressed and that we did it to him by not getting two cats.

I guess my cat adoption plan is suspended... for a long time, sadly.

Gifts

2007-04-26T07:42:00.000-04:00

So I found a great new reality tv show while I was on vacation. Of course, great means that it's pretty ridiculous... but for some reason I found it completely addicting. I guess they had a marathon going on very late one night, and I just kept watching episode after episode. If you haven't yet seen The Ultimate Coyote Ugly Search, then I suggest you do! I'm not even sure that I get the country music television here... probably not, but I can dream.

With all the overtime money I made the other week I decided that I should use at least a little bit of it to buy something nice for myself. I thought about getting a cute little iPod nano, but since I really don't listen to music that much and I rarely buy new music, I thought my money would be spent better with something else. I finally decided on a new computer monitor - 20.1" widescreen!

I love it. And dang, it's even cheaper now than when I bought it last week! Having an enormous widescreen monitor is excellent, everyone's blog looks amazing and games, which I was never that into before, are suddenly much more appealing.

I really like looking at people's photos with the new monitor. Last night I was looking on Facebook, and I found out that someone I knew in college (we took a class together) is engaged. He had just posted some pictures of his fiance, but something looked a little odd. She was clearly in another country, her eyes were always down, and she was always in very traditional dress with her parents standing close by. I realized that this is an arranged marriage!

I've never known anyone who has had an arranged marriage before. He seems completely thrilled about it, referring to her as "my" so-and-so. She didn't look that happy, but who knows, maybe she's excited about it too. The idea of an arranged marriage just baffles me. After all the work we put in to find that person who really understands us and makes us feel good, his marriage will be more about getting to know one another. Maybe that bonds a couple in a way I just can't understand. I don't really know enough (or anything) about arranged marriage to start going off about it, it was just something interesting that struck me when I saw that photo.

T.G.I.T.

Some people get all the good stuff!!

2007-04-25T07:51:00.000-04:00

I have been pretty bad about reading other blogs lately. I'm trying to make time to surf around and catch up as much as I can, and today I found myself at Dooce. I've been there before of course, but I think I get scared off every now and then by how enormous that place is.

One thing I love about that website though are her Flickr photos. They always look really good. Is it because of
a) her photography skills
b) her camera
c) the way Flickr presents the photos or
d) her child is freakin' gorgeous.

After my recent Outer Banks vacation I posted the photos on Flickr so that I could easily send them to everyone. They look good, but I think I'll have to rule out c); I can't give Flickr all the credit.

I've had my new camera since Christmas, and I still haven't read the "Advanced Manual" yet. I'm hoping that will give me some better pointers on how to really capture depth and color. In my last year of college, my apartment-mate and I took a photography class. We learned how to develop photos and use a darkroom, but we learned absolutely nothing about using our fancy cameras! I couldn't believe it. It was interesting learning how to develop our photos, but let's face it, after that year when were any of us going to have access to a darkroom? Learning how to use the camera and what to do when taking the photos would have been the useful, lifelong skill.

I thought that Dooce uses a digital camera, so how does she do this? I would love to be able to take rich looking photos like that. But, would it mean I'd have to understand all that crazy data that Flickr posts about your photos and your camera?! Like this:

Camera: Canon PowerShot A540
Exposure: 0.003 sec (1/400)
Aperture: f/5.5
Focal Length: 23.2 mm
Exposure Bias: 0/3 EV
Flash: 88

Orientation: Horizontal (normal)
X-Resolution: 180 dpi
Y-Resolution: 180 dpi
Date and Time: 2007:04:22 08:58:28
YCbCr Positioning: Centered
Date and Time (Original): 2007:04:22 08:58:28
Date and Time (Digitized): 2007:04:22 08:58:28
Compressed Bits per Pixel: 3 bits
Shutter Speed: 277/32
Maximum Lens Aperture: 157/32
Metering Mode: Pattern
Color Space: sRGB
Focal Plane X-Resolution: 12515.556 dpi
Focal Plane Y-Resolution: 12497.041 dpi
Sensing Method: One-chip colour area sensor
Exposure Mode: Manual
White Balance: Manual
Digital Zoom Ratio: 2816/2816
Compression: JPEG
Image Type: IMG:PowerShot A540 JPEG
Image Number: 1000369
Model ID: 26607616
Tag::Canon::0x0013: 0, 0, 0, 0
Tag::Canon::0x0018: 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0
Tag::Canon::0x001D: 32, 1, 0, 2, 2, 2, 2, 0, 0, 0, 0, 39, 0, 0, 0, 0
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Oceanview

2007-04-24T10:15:00.001-04:00

Yes, I've been more than M. I. A.

There was a huge project at work causing me to clock almost 60 hours the other week. There are some aspects of the project that are still going on, but the big push should ( should) be mostly over. Right after that, I took my first vacation since starting my job.

I was at the beach from last Wednesday until Sunday. It was pretty damn cold there (even though for some reason it was hot everywhere else), but I still had a really nice time. I met my family there and we stayed in a beautiful, huge beach house. We'd been there before about 5 years ago, and they'd made several excellent renovations on the house, especially to the particular room I was staying in.

I met my brother's new girlfriend as well. She is, astonishingly, a lot like him. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet; things are progressing rapidly! She lives in a different state (they met via a mutual friend's Myspace page), and this was only their second meeting in person. She has already made plans to move in with him in the next few months. It's even more serious than that, but I probably shouldn't go into more detail. Let's just say, "holy shit!" and leave it at that.

The time away was great but of course too short. It's so easy to feel completely light and free at the beach. Even the sun has such a dramatic effect on my state of mind. The drive back from the beach was absolutely gorgeous... windows down, music turned up, I felt confident and impervious... not about anything in particular, but I was okay with not knowing what's going to happen next.

I want so badly to hold on to those feelings. I want to be able to shrug things off that happen at work. I'd like to keep this job, no matter if it's an intense period it is, as "just a job." When I get too wrapped up then things start to spiral out of control. I start to feel strapped down, cornered, and not good enough. I'd love to go into more detail, but I've read too much about people being fired for their blogs, no matter how anonymous I keep it.

My brother's new girlfriend's Myspace page references a site that talks about what a parent goes through when they have a disabled child. I don't know anything about what that would be like for someone, but I think the passage is relevant to other life experiences as well. When I was in high school and college I certainly had a view that I was working towards X. I didn't know what X was, but I was sure I'd get there. Almost like magic, I believed that by the time I graduated I would have accumulated a great amount of knowledge, be an expert in my field of study, be more confident and have a good sense of what I want. Aren't these the myths we're brought up with? Go to college, find yourself, and everything will be okay?

Lately I see lots of literature talking about the struggles of people in their mid-twenties. It seems silly and embarrassing; we're at the age where we should be having the time of our lives, right? Why should we feel sorry for ourselves?

But we do. We don't know what to do with all that has been given to us. We don't know how to move on without losing something important. We've spent our whole lives looking to the future; living in the present just isn't as perfect as our dreams. Maybe, like in the " Welcome to Holland" story, the pain of losing the dream never fully goes away.

My boyfriend and I were recently recounting how some things just don't seem as sweet. In college, every evening spent hanging out with friends was the best evening ever. Now when you're spending time with friends or family, there's a nagging in the back of your mind, a remembering that you can't linger here.. there is work, you have bills, and there's no going back. It's harder to surround yourself with people who share your goals and values.

At the beach, the ocean roar drives out those voices that hold you back and make you afraid. I hope I never forget the ways that it makes me feel and the things it makes me realize that I value... simplicity, simplicity, simplicity... quiet, calm... simple joys... compassion, love, and some spontaneity. We have so much to lose by not knowing ourselves. We can never gain back the years we lose to fear, stress, and worry.

if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...

2007-04-10T07:52:00.000-04:00

"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life."
Peter Gibbons, Office Space

No, every day is not the worst day of my life. I'm not there yet by any means, it's just a great quote! Thinking about "Office Space" certainly brings some humor to my situation! Sorry, friends.

I worked 11 hours yesterday, and I'm probably going to have to do that every day this week including the weekend. It's one of those busy times, although I feel like the guy from 'Office Space' who tries to dodge the boss so he doesn't get asked to come in on Saturday. Unfortunately, some people were called in to work on Easter Sunday. EASTER SUNDAY!!?!?!!?!!

I had a mini freak out yesterday, or maybe not so mini... just thinking about how many hours I'll be putting in lately plus how far behind I am in my statistics course. I'm also going on vacation towards the end of next week. Where's the time going? Brakes, please!

On the up side, I had one of the nicest family holidays I can remember. And we all spent more time with each other than I can remember. Maybe losing Max (the cat) and a combination of this military recall put us all on good behavior. I'll find out in the next few days whether the recall is certain.

Saturday night some high school friends came over to boyfriend's house. We talked about colleges, as his little sister is getting to choose which schools to apply to. Virginia has a great set of schools, and I hope she doesn't let weird hang-ups about certain schools cloud her judgment.

It's such a tough time; I see it on her face and I remember how I felt when I was there. Sometimes you wonder if you'll get in anywhere, and you think one bad grade can doom you to living on the streets. I can tell her that it will get better or that it will all work itself out, but I think we all know that it's one of those things you just have to go through first hand... and hopefully laugh about later.

Trapped, again.

2007-04-06T07:41:00.000-04:00

So, when is it time to find a new job and when do you just grin and bear it?

Bad bosses and bad work environments are, unfortunately, not unusual. This page is filled with articles on What Makes a Bad Boss - Bad?, How Do You Know When It's Time for You to Go?, Bad Bosses: How to Cope if You Get Stuck With a Bad Boss, ad nauseum.

Some people quit because they just won't stand for those shenanigans. Some people stay and make themselves more miserable because they don't think they have any other option (and maybe they don't). I've played through several situations in my life where I felt trapped in a bad situation. So maybe one of the big reasons I won't leave now is because, what if it's me?

My very first job was at a grocery store. I bagged groceries and then wheeled them out to the customer's car in the sweltering heat to unload the bags in the trunk. People were often rude, but what did I expect for a high school student? I quit after just 1.5 months.

My first year of college, I was disappointed with the school I'd chosen. I wanted some place to push myself more and something that would look more attractive to graduate schools. I transferred. My third year of college I worked for the Residence Life program as an RA, one of those hall monitor types. I didn't quit, but I didn't come back for a second year after being disillusioned with the bureaucracy of the program. Law School? Let's not even go there right now.

So, I've put in my time. I don't quit right in the middle, but what if I'm someone who gets easily or unnecessarily unsatisfied with things? My parents always work overtime and with unappreciative bosses... they're miserable, but they stay.

It took me a long time to learn the opposite of their example, that being unhappy in your job should not be the status quo.

Was I wrong? If most people don't like their jobs, does that make it more acceptable? Is it "just one of those things?"

Unfortunately these questions aren't the only thing holding me to my job. Since I did leave law school after one year, I don't want my next job to think that I'm a job hopper. I feel that I should stay with my current company for at least one year (only about 3 months away). But since I've also been kicking around the idea of nursing school, that would most likely happen Fall 2008, and it wouldn't make sense to find another job only to stay there for less than a year.

But another whole year at my company doesn't sound too good about now. I know we're in a particularly busy patch that will hopefully end in the next two weeks, but I'm just so tired... so tired... SO TIRED of being in these undesirable situations.

It's the Season for Love, Apparently!

2007-04-05T09:40:00.001-04:00

At the end of last month I was thinking about how mine and boyfriend's anniversary was coming up soon. We had discussed it in early March when we decided to purchase the Wii; we split the cost and called it our anniversary present to eachother. We're a progressive couple?

I woke up Monday morning pretty grumbly... boyfriend was going to be off of work for a few days so he was still sleeping, and I was just absently checking celebrity gossip blogs. I glanced down at the clock on the computer screen and hovered over it for a moment.

Busted! It was our anniversary!

I don't know how the damn date just crept up on me. I'd been thinking about it in the back of my mind, but for some reason I just kept thinking it was far off. Good thing we had decided previously on the Wii as a gift, otherwise I'd be in the DOG HOUSE! We went out for some Coldstone Creamery after work and, as always, I had a great time.

When people ask me how long we've been dating, I get really squirrelly. Maybe I feel like they'll think there's something wrong with us for dating so long, even though I know we're very different people than we were after 2 years of dating, 4 years of dating, 5, 6, 7, and now 8 years of dating! That's right, I said it outloud and published it on the internet... 8 years!

We don't get into fights, we have similar goals and beliefs, we very supportive of eachother and love to try new things, we get along great and have fun, we don't always share the blankets but we usually share the remote control... sometimes I'll even share food (except for warm, fresh baked cookies and most kinds of cake)! It just keeps working; I can't explain it and I don't want to.

In other very exciting news, a good friend who recently got engaged took me out to dinner on Tuesday night. We enjoyed our Thai food, talked and laughed, and then she said, "I have something to ask you."

If it wasn't for her recently being engaged I would have sworn that she was about to propose to me! That was not the case, but she did ask me to be the Maid of Honor in her May 2008 wedding!

The cost of having lots of male friends led me to think that I'd never be lucky enough to be anyone's Maid of Honor. I'm extremely excited to help her with her wedding. There will probably be many funny incidents ahead, as neither of us have been planning our respective weddings since we were five years old, so we're not exactly experts on the topic. Luckily again there is a lot of information out there, and if there's one thing I'm good at it's looking things up!

Wikipedia tells me that my pre-wedding duties will include:

Traveling with the bride to help choose a wedding venue.
Helping to choose and address wedding invitations.
Going with the bride to help with the shopping for her wedding dress as well as the bridesmaid dresses.
Going with the bride to register for her wedding gifts.
Helping the bride with the seating arrangements.
Hosting and planning the bridal shower as well as the bachelorette party.
Maintaining communication and organization with the other bridesmaids.
Attending and assisting during the rehearsal dinner.

Piece of cake, right? No problemo! We'll see what the bride would like to add and/or subtract from that list in the future, and in the meantime I'll start stocking up on some Martha Stewart Weddings and Virginia Weddings magazines this weekend!

As always, any advice in this endeavor is more than welcome!

Happiness is a Child's Smile?

2007-03-30T09:54:00.001-04:00

When my family moved into a new neighborhood while I was in middle school, a neighborhood directory was put out where my name had an asterisk next to it denoting 'babysitter.' I don't think my parents had anything to do with this; I think the neighborhood just assumed that female + certain age = babysitter. But my parents were always trying to get me to advertise myself as a babysitter. They didn't understand my resistance and instead said that babysitting was "easy money."

There is nothing easy about battling young children who are dying for attention since mommy and daddy went away.

Some of my "favorite" babysitting encounters include a little boy who liked to pin his sister down and repeatedly punch her in the face while their parents were gone. Next to that was the time I babysat three children ages 2, 4, and 6. The six year old liked getting naked and running around, the four year old liked urinating on the walls, and the two year old just cried all four hours I was there.

Just because I was most recently a child at the time (compared to the parents) doesn't mean I know what to do with them. The last thing I want is for a kid's parents to come home while one of them is naked. And the more flustered you get the more the kids love it.

No, I know nothing about babysitting or children in general.

In the community service group I was a member of in college, there were lots of opportunities to work with children. Most people loved these, and I always watched in awe as they played with them... running around, rolling around, funny faces, sassing back and forth... it was like these people had access to some hidden children-only language or a guide to being hip with kids. Whereas kids always knew in one second of looking at me that I was not "kid-friendly."

Now, don't get me wrong, I like kids very much and it's not like children everywhere start throwing empty cans at me when I walk by. I just don't know what to do with them. I don't really even know how to play with them or what they like to do. I just stand around awkwardly and mildly afraid.

Why afraid? Because in my experience, "kids say the darndest things." You never know what they're about to come out with, and it's probably something totally embarrassing. Like many years ago when boyfriend and I were at the Walmart cash register and a little girl came up to me and said, "You look like a boy!"

Of course, this girl had confirmed a horrible fear I had at that time... that I am boyish, completely without grace, femininity, and any fashion know-how, not sexy, undesirable, and even gawky. I pushed boyfriend ahead of me and out the door. The little girl scuttled behind us calling out, "You do! 'Cause yer dressed like one!" By this time it was a full-scale retreat. Boyfriend was shoved and manhandled into the car (oh God! Manhandled! She's right again!) and we peeled out of that parking lot.

I began to feel that kids can see things adults can't (or maybe it's really that everyone sees it, kids just don't have the tact not to say it). A kid can look at you and know whether you'd be a good playmate or you're an awkward miser. That's why I would like to note that yesterday I had my first truly pleasant experience with a child.

An adorable girl around 1 year old was on the train with her parents as I was riding home last night. She got fussy in her stroller, so her dad took her out and let her kick around and half stand on his lap. They tried to give her a bottle which she didn't seem to want, but when they finally took it away she liked that even less. I couldn't help but look over, well, stare, at this squirmy little thing, and she finally noticed me.

Her face just lit up. She had the sweetest smile. I understand now all those quotes about a child's smile being angelic and this and that. It really actually warmed me to have her give me that full face grin. She was absolutely gleeful.

Throughout the rest of the trip I'd look over and she'd look back and smile. I would wave and she would kick her legs and make a furious noise.

Maybe this peace I've made with children is only temporary and next week they'll be spouting my hidden fears again. But I'd really prefer to think of it as a change in me, some level of acceptance with myself or comfortableness. Sticking with my strange 'children can see your soul theory,' I like to think that this little girl could finally recognize some warmth and love in me that I knew was there but was terrified of being seen.

Whinny whinny, neigh neigh

2007-03-29T09:41:00.001-04:00

Ahh.... sweet, sweet slumber.

Only to be awoken at 2am by a Charley Horse!

It's hard to describe a Charley Horse to someone who has never had one. Boyfriend once exclaimed, "I think I just had a Charley Horse." Oh, no, my friend... oh, no... if you had a Charley Horse - you'd know!

Mine have always been in my calf muscle. I've had the occassional warning that one is about to occur in my foot, but I can usually control those before they explode. The calf muscle becomes stricken with intense, burning pain. You think, if you could just calm down and not touch or move your leg it would go away. This is actually one of the worst things you can do. You're supposed to stretch it, but moving your is so horribly painful. All you can do is writh around, trying not to scream so as not to completely terrify the person sleeping peacefully next to you.

This is impossible. They'll wake up. They'll think they just entered a scene from a horror movie.

Wikipedia says that common causes of Charley Horses are:

* Sore muscles after exercise
* Hormone imbalance
* Mineral deficiency
* Dehydration

But, really,

* Sore muscles after exercise - You've probably picked up on one of my main gripes lately; I feel off the gym wagon. No, I didn't fall off, I snuck off like a rat!
* Hormone imbalance - Why?
* Mineral deficiency - I even took vitamins that day (and I hate taking vitamins), and I had a strawberry/banana smoothie.
* Dehydration - Sure, I don't drink enough water... but why now?

I'm not satisfied with the answers I found. You lose, Wikipedia. But, something even better than a Charley horse:

Here's a video of an incredible dancing horse.

The War on Terror

2007-03-28T12:27:00.001-04:00

My brother went to a military college. He's always been interested in the military, epic battles, good and evil, G.I. Joes as a kid, protect the women, etc. He became a Marine, and he served this country with two missions to Afghanistan. About one year ago his official time was up. He chose not to stay in, but instead to get out and start a "normal life." He started his own business; he's given up a lot to get where he is.

When he was overseas, I tried not to the think about the war or the president or even politics. My parents supported it, my friends waffled on it, and I was too scared to comprehend it. A superstitious thought, I worried my dissention could hurt him somehow. So I supported it as best I could, I closed my ears, I tried to think about something else... anything.

When he came back it was weird at first. For a while I talked to him less than I had even when he was overseas. Then things changed for him a bit, he mellowed somewhat, and now, even with some of the horrible things he says and his truly distorted world-views, I enjoy talking to him. Sometimes I even enjoy his company. Once this year we went out with some of my friends.. went out... did something together... connected somehow. I joined Myspace just to be his "friend," and since then we've talked more than any other time in my life.

Yesterday a letter came in the mail to my parents' house. It's funny how letters can evoke so many terrifying and exciting memories... waiting for college acceptance letters (would it be a legal sized envelope, a thick manilla with registration information [please please please]), test results that didn't mince words, insurance notifications where the battle of "who gets to pay" volleys back and forth for months or years.

On this particular day, no one was expecting anything fantastic.

We did not expect to receive a notification that he is being recalled for active duty.

Flights of Fancy

2007-03-28T07:41:00.000-04:00

So March is a lame month, what can I say? It's tax season?

I've been trying to get some things in order around here so that every entry isn't "whine whine this" and "whine whine that." I'm happy to say that I've had some success. This apartment is clean (well, I haven't gotten to the bathroom yet). I've dusted, vacuumed, taken out three big bags of trash... who says that cleaning your house can't be a metaphor for life?

I stopped whining about it and started reading again. I'm currently reading a book called Pawn of Prophecy, the first in a series. It's a fantasy book, which means I would probably get a lot of mocking sneers if I didn't desperately try to covertly cover the title with my hands while riding the public transportation to work. Either you like fantasy or you don't, and if you don't, you're likely to think that the person reading it is a leper. You can enjoy Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter, but you had better keep it mainstream... or else!

On a radically different note, don't you hate how once you cut your hair you instantly regret it? Beforehand it's all you can think about. You ask everyone you know for their opinion. Some people say "don't do it," some say "of course!"... whatever they say only emboldens you that you must do this. The sooner the better! Don't waste any more time!

Then it's all over. You're left with a haircut that is too short even to put it all up without little pieces falling down. Alright, alright, I have to bring it back to me. I'm left with this short hair. Wearing it the way I've always worn it (curly) now just looks like a sad clown wig. A friend suggested I dye it rainbow colors to complete the look; sure, what have I got to lose? Now I have to straighten it with a flat iron every day.

At first people love it straight. They're blown away. They probably think, "WOW! She doesn't always look like a sad clown!" Or, "Gee, she looks great without that frizzy powder puff on her head." But people are fickle (like me for cutting my hair), and the novelty has worn off. Now I just look like any other straight haired girl riding the straight haired metro. What's one more girl with flat, straight hair? Whoopty-do!

At least when it was curly it was "different." Anyone know where I can get some miracle grow? Or perhaps some little green seed paste, leave my head in water overnight, and in the morning it can be "Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia!"

Crap Fest 3000

2007-03-16T09:27:00.001-04:00

Another work week is ending. I'm not traveling anywhere this weekend, but I do have a friend coming up to visit. My weekend is already jam-packed with plans.

I'm a classic introvert. I need my "me time." I need space away to regroup or else I get completely frazzled. Hanging out with people and making small talk drains me unless it's with a close group of friends.

My apartment is a mess, I am a mess. But all in all, it was actually a pretty decent week. Boyfriend skipped his graduate school class on Monday evening, and for some reason that makes a huge difference. Wii played a lot of wii (did you like my unoriginal and lame pun?), but we also got some work done. I took a statistics quiz last night, now I just have to take the midterm by March 28 (I think?) or else I get dropped from the class.

During the day I talk about weddings nonstop with one of my recently engaged friends. In the evenings I play wii, watch American Idol, and observe the horrible stack of bills and miscellaneous papers that keeps piling up on my desk. I've been thinking a lot about what it means to be an adult, wishing I hadn't stopped going to the gym, hoping that God will work some divine intervention and endow me with bigger breasts and a smaller behind, and all the while feeling both selfish and like some part of me is being neglected or ignored.

I still haven't picked up a paint brush lately. Last night I mentioned to boyfriend wanting to take a cake decorating class next time it's offered. I haven't signed up for any kind of Yoga class. I long to work with my hands... molding clay, designing cakes, standing on my head, picking up my flute again, hammering nails into the framework of a Habitat for Humanity house.

This is probably tedious to read. It's also probably hard to believe that I'm happy. I like watching bad reality tv and eating dinner with my boyfriend after a few rounds of wii tennis. I like helping my friend plan her wedding and having people come to visit. I love indulging... It's just when I stop, when everything gets quiet and I look around and realize where I'm standing that I feel this ache.

I have a friend from high school whose name is still on my AIM Buddy List even though we really don't talk anymore. She has recently started a blog; in high school and college she was always writing, and she majored in Creative Writing with high hopes for a career as a novelist. She got married a few weeks after college (she had been engaged throughout) and now has a baby girl. In her blog she relates everything back to God. She talks about how she and her husband sponsor a child through Compassion.com and it shouldn't make us feel guilty, but grateful. Recently she talked about a woman at church who wrote her a get well card when she missed her Sunday duties because of a stomach bug. She felt disgusted with herself for not noticing this woman before and for not being kinder to her when the woman had had a heart attack a few months ago.

This friend would probably say my ache is from my lack of God. Sometimes I think about how nice it would be to belong to a church and have church friends doing church activities. But after a life of doubting and challenging, I don't know if I could ever give myself over to it.

All this reminds me of an ominous quote that shows up in a Sopranos episode (another selfish vice)...
Sometimes I go about in pity for myself , and all the while, a great wind carries me across the sky.
-- Ojibwe Saying

Another theory, though I'm hoping it's less popular, comes from a conversation I had with my brother yesterday. We were talking about his current girlfriend..

Brother: Yeah, we talk every night and she says she misses me. Her biggest problem will be if she can take it down a notch and play her role.

Me: what does that mean?

Brother: Here's the problem with society. Women are trying to act like men and taking mens roles. In the end, there's going to be a great awakening when they realized that they ruined their lives going after careers and other stupidity instead of taking on more traditional roles. [Insert girlfriend's nameh here] has that problem to a certain degree and I told her if she wants to have a chance with me, she's got to let me be the man. I'll compromise to some degree, but not too much and I sure as shit ain't leaving what I've got going on here as my success will soon be readily apparent to one and all.

So, maybe this is my "great awakening." If I had just started making babies and knitting little booties for them once I hit 18, I would never have these feelings. There are so many things wrong with what my brother said... where can I even start? How do you argue with that insane troll logic?

So that's my little gripe in a nutshell. Whewwwww.

Scents of Spring

2007-03-12T09:09:00.001-04:00

I believe in Seasonal Affective Disorder . There are some things going on right now that are huge. Usually when I think about them, I get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel trapped, I don't see a way out. I feel like I'm being smothered, other times I feel like I'm being exposed.

But when the warm sun appears after a long, grey winter, things just don't seem so bad. I went home again this weekend for tons of family birthdays. While home, I bought some new lotion, shower gel, shampoo and conditioner at Bath and Body Works - Coconut Lime Verbena. It's a wonderful, cheery spring smell. It's not an overpowering coconut like suntan lotion. I'm really enjoying it so far; I think I'll be smelling myself all day.

I also got a pedicure and manicure with one of my recently engaged friends. The first time I had a pedicure I felt a little bad, there was a woman who barely spoke English forced to scrub dead skin off my feet while I sit high upon my mighty leather chair. But at this nail place most of the employees spoke English, there were lots of them working together, and they seemed to be okay with it. It didn't feel like forced labor or like they were barely eeking out a living. I think they did a nice job; my feet feel great. But it was a little disconcerting to see scraps of dead skin from my feet assembled on the towel like orange rinds...

March is flying by, like every month. I really need some time to get things in order, but having to go home for the past few weekends plus having visitors up here this weekend is making that more than a little difficult. I have bills to file, laundry to fold, and statistics quizzes to take. I see now the true meaning of "SPRING CLEANING."

I hope spring keeps coming in and stays. I need a little light to make this all seem doable.

Apparently...

2007-03-11T21:45:00.000-04:00

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2007-03-09T07:46:00.000-05:00

Cake and Rolling Stones

2007-03-07T09:24:00.001-05:00

I had another cake thought... how about a yellow cake with chocolate icing and a layer of Edy's American Idol "Take the Cake" ice cream inside? Mmm.. cake.

I haven't been to the gym in a little over one week. One the bright side, I haven't gained back any of the weight I lost. My doctor didn't seem that excited about me using Slim Fast when I went for my physical a few weeks ago, but I think it's great. Maybe if you don't like the taste, you're forcing yourself to drink it, and you're starving yourself otherwise THEN it's not a good idea. But I enjoy it, and incorporating it into my eating habits has been a breeze. It's also kept me from snacking and eating desserts. I haven't bought dessert in almost a month (my downfall)! When boyfriend and I went home this past weekend his sister gave us some Otis Spunkmeyer cookies. They come in a big tub that you keep in the freezer. They're already shaped; all you do is open up the tub and toss the round dough on the cookie sheet... it's even easier than break-n-bake. Clearly, I have to get these out of the apartment before I revert to my dessert-vacuum habits and consume the whole tub.

In other news, it's looking like I won't be moving this summer. If that's true, this will be the first time that I've lived in same exact place in about 6 years. And even though I'm probably staying in the same apartment next year, I'm almost positive I'll be moving the year after that. It makes me wonder when I'll ever settle. Is settling even possible? Moving for more education, work, finding a good school system for your kids... I'd really like to get to a point where I put some big nails in the walls or paint one wall a bright and exciting color and not have to worry that the landlord will do a disappearing act with my security deposit. I have no idea when or where that settling point will become a reality. And even if I speculated, nothing turns out the way I imagine it (but so far that's been working out pretty well for me)!

Calling All Cakes

2007-03-06T14:43:00.001-05:00

My mom's birthday is coming up, and I wanted to make a cake to bring home this weekend.

She likes coconut and key lime stuff and she loves nuts. She doesn't like an overpowering amount of chocolate. I've googled around and found some decent recipes for a coconut pineapple cake, but I'm just not sure they look reliable enough.

I would LOVE suggestions!!

Cooling

2007-03-05T13:22:00.000-05:00

Hello, blog land. I needed a little cool-down period, but I have missed you.

The last week or week and a half has been filled with some of the most intense ups and downs I've had in... ever?

For starters, two very good friends of mine got engaged (two separate couples, not two friends getting engaged to eachother). Both couples are very happy together, and it's going to be an exciting year of planning. For one of the weddings, I've been asked to be a bridesmaid! I've never been part of a wedding party before, so I'm looking forward to it!

A day or two later we had to put Max down.

A day or two after that, another one of my loans from law school kicked into repayment. If I follow the payment plan that this company suggested, they'll be making a $10,000 profit! So, I need to try to pay it back early... very early because the interest rate can change wildly! I've been trying to figure out how big of a check I can cut for them now without going completely broke.

And speaking of crippling debt, I for some reason decided this was a great time to buy a Wii. Boyfriend and I discussed it, and we're going to split the cost and consider this our anniversary present to one another (our anniversary is next month). Even though it's been out for months, I still had to wake up bright and early to go stand in line outside Target before it opened on Sunday. I was the first one in line! Target had 33 Wii's, and there were about 20 people in line. So my waking up wasn't entirely necessary. But, I had fun... and it builds character, right?

Saturday evening my parents wanted to get dinner together. Boyfriends parents also wanted to have dinner with him. So we decided why don't we all just go out to dinner together! This turned out to be, what I should have expected, an awkward time. My conservative, socially awkward parents and his liberal, too-much-information, social butterfly parents just don't quite mix. They've known eachother a long time, but you wouldn't guess it by how they act. Boyfriend described dinner as, "a scene from Meet the Fockers."

Boyfriend's mother was acting a little squirrely, and I noticed she had dressed up. I caught her whispering to her daughter (boyfriend's sister) a few times. At one point, we all went outside to check out the lunar eclipse while his mom and my mom waited inside. When we went back into the restaurant I knew something was up, my mom had "wedding face" on.

After dinner my parents went home, and boyfriend and I went back to his house with his parents. His mom couldn't hold it in any longer, she thought the joint dinner was to announce our engagement. She had even brought her camera. Apparently when I walked into the restaurant, my coat was over my left hand, as well. Then when she saw I was only wearing a tiny ring on that finger, she decided it must have been a promise ring. When we finally convinced her nothing of the sort was going on she said, "Well, you'll find your way."

What does that mean? Are we lost? Should we be flogging and punishing ourselves for 'taking too long?' This situation made me feel pretty bad. There's so much spazzing and blabla over the question of when are boyfriend and I getting engaged, I just wish we could have some peace.

And the last thing worth mentioning, yesterday I had lunch at Chili's with a friend. We thought we recognized someone from high school working there. Well, I knew it was him but I didn't say anything. I really beat myself up about that later. Why didn't I just say something? The whole car ride back to the DC area I kept wondering if maybe I'm becoming a jerk lately. Maybe even a bitch? I get carried away sometimes talking about people, I let my emotions go, and even though I expect people to treat me with an open mind and common courtesy, maybe I don't always do the same. I could be getting selfish; I haven't done any service in such a long time.

I expect a lot more from myself. I don't want to be the snarky, biting person that I've seen hanging around lately. I want to radiate warmth, and I apologize to everyone.

It's so scary that it's March already. I'm not closer to taking the GRE, something I thought I would have surely done by now. I'm falling behind in my online statistics course. I am just not where I need to be, but hopefully I will get close.

Max

2007-02-26T22:12:00.000-05:00

Max is gone. I need to breath.

Max

2007-02-26T07:44:00.000-05:00

This weekend was filled with very good and very bad news. I'll start with bad first and post later with all the good.

Our family cat we've had since before I can remember isn't doing well. He's 19 years old (one freaking old cat), but it definitely doesn't make it any easier. He's stopped eating and drinking and is very dehydrated. He's not walking well. The vet did blood tests and mentioned beginning "aggressive treatment," but they did not mention putting him down.

I'm not excited to put him to sleep, but with the state he's in he can't be comfortable! And why would you introduce aggressive treatment to a 19 year old cat? It seems cruel to me to put him through all sorts of testing, tubes and fluids only to get just a little more time with him in return. He's already lived much longer than your average cat. I want him to stop suffering, but I'm not home and there's not much I can do.

CompHAIRison

2007-02-24T18:34:00.000-05:00

Ok, ok... that title is pretty lame, I know.

Thanks for the compliments! My ranting would probably be more justified if I gave a comparison.

Here are two views of the back of my hair. The first one is a cut I got a few years ago from my old stylist. The second photo is from this past week's haircut. Notice one is nicely layered and flippy and the other is pretty flat.

Wow, looking at them like this really brings out the difference. I also didn't realize the highlights I got in November are so blonde. I think I still like them, though. Highlights are fun!

The Haircut

2007-02-23T07:50:00.000-05:00

I've gone to the same hair stylist in the city where my parents live for about 6 or 7 years. I've gone to another person maybe once when I was really in a rush and in a different city. I thought I would be adventurous and try to find a new person, that was mistake number 1.

Mistake number 2 was trying to find this person in the area that I'm in now. Thank you, DC area for being so ridiculously overpriced and outrageous.

I found a place close by that seemed decent. The reviews online were good as well. When I got there, the woman, speaking very rough English, immediately started pawing at my hair and saying it was dry. My hair might be a lot of things... giant, frightening at times, but it's really not dry. She went on about how she didn't like how my highlights were done and that she'd do them better next time (for only $160, mind you) by using different colors and "winter tones." Next time, next time, next time... that's all she kept saying, including "I'll do better next time." Well, don't do better next time. Please do better now while I'm here and paying!

Half way through the cut, one of the stylists noticed that someone had brought them free watches. So they all ran over to try on these watches. My stylist kept coming back and forth asking me how I thought different ones look. What I really thought was that I'd be there entirely too long for entirely too little and that it was almost time for American Idol!

Maybe some women get there hair cut every month and a half like one of the stylists told me. Maybe when they go they like sitting around shooting the shit with the stylists who know all about how their husband never helps out around the house, etc. I am not one of these women. I get a haircut about every 6 months, maybe I a little more often if I have some place to be.

I don't expect to spend ONE HOUR AND A HALF getting JUST A HAIRCUT, not even color! I don't expect to spend almost $100 on JUST A HAIRCUT! I don't want the stylist crapping all over my hair which I think was decent before she started chopping it! She made my hair flat! How is that even possible on my hair?

At the very least, I think my old stylist could have done a better job and for a lot cheaper. When I spend that much money and time I expect something great, not something flat.

*Faces have been distorted to protect my innocence!

What's On

2007-02-22T07:50:00.001-05:00

DAMN! I hit snooze just once or twice, I thought. When I opened my eyes it was half an hour later... oops? Going to the gym/eating right is really an enormous battle. I stumble and fall hard and often.

Is anyone watching American Idol? I can't resist, I really enjoy it. The guys really crapped it up on Tuesday. It was nice that most of the women sang really well. I'm predicting the idol will be a female this season. I really like Stephanie right now; she was the first to sing last night and I thought sang awesome and was a great performer.

I hate the show that's on tonight - the results show. I know it's set up the way it is for added drama, but it's pretty ridiculous. That said, I'll probably watch it anyway.

115

2007-02-21T07:45:00.001-05:00

Well, Monday morning I was exhausted, Tuesday morning I had to leave home earlier than usual, but this morning I finally dragged myself back to the gym. I didn't want to write until I went back because I just felt like too much a lame failure!

I had a physical this week. It was probably the first physical I've had since high school. She was pretty good, but she got pretty snippy about a few things. I'm 5'10", and she told me that my ideal healthy weight is between 115-149. If I weighed 115, I'd be dead. NO JOKE. I'm not slender-boned either... I'm not Kate Moss... 115 isn't going to work.

She was also pretty pushy about getting the HPV vaccine, which I did not want. I think that it's a great thing for some people, she told me that HPV is associated with 70% of cervical cancers. I don't know if that number is exact, but the correlating is a little startling. Wikipedia says:

Genital HPV infection is very common, with estimates suggesting that more than 50% of women will become infected with one or more of the sexually transmitted HPV types at some point during adulthood (Baseman and Koutsky, 2005). Persistent infection with a subset of about a dozen so-called "high-risk" sexually transmitted HPVs, including types 16, 18, 31, 33, 35, 39, 45 and 51 can lead to the development of cervical dyskaryosis, which may in turn lead to cancer of the cervix. HPV infection is a necessary factor in the development of nearly all cases of cervical cancer (Walboomers 1999).

I understand why she's pushy, she doesn't know me. She probably has girls tell her that they're in long-term, monogamous relationships all the time (probably when they've only been dating for a month or two). It has to be frustrating being a doctor and seeing lots of young women engaging in risky behaviors and not listening to warnings. I GUESS I'll give her a pass.

Wicca in the News

2007-02-19T22:18:00.001-05:00

"In Iraq, I saw what was happening in the name of Allah and I thought, 'This has got to stop.' . . . The common core of all religions, we're saying the same stuff," he says. "I just decided that the rest of my life I will encourage people to seek out the light however they see fit, through the Bhagavad-Gita, the Torah, the writings of prophets and sages -- whatever path propels them to be good and honorable and upright."

Desperate

2007-02-15T07:23:00.000-05:00

I am so PIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSED!!!!!

Tuesday night boyfriend took me to a little Italian restaurant near us that we'd never been to (not on Valentine's Day because he had to do something for work Wednesday night). Well he lucked out. We've had some snow, lots of sleet, and it all turned to ice. His work was canceled Wednesday (and it's still canceled today! WTF). Mine was not (and isn't today either), but lots of people didn't show up anyway. I had to cover for lots of people and I was incredibly busy the entire day. Boo!

When I got home from work he'd gotten me peach colored roses, a book I'd been wanting to read and some chocolates. I gave him the new Bloc Party CD, an iTunes gift card, and then began to make some FONDUE.

I think I'd said that I'd never made fondue before, but the recipes I found were simple enough. The scariest party was lighting the Sterno can to put in my centuries old fondue pot that I bought 2 summers ago at a yard sale.

The cheese turned out delicious! Who needs the Melting Pot!? I cut up a loaf of French bread, Pumpernickel, some golden delicious apples, and carrots. I used sharp cheddar for the cheese dip.

The chocolate turned out fine, not knock-your-socks-off fantastic, but pretty good. I was so full at that point from devouring over 8 oz. of cheese with boyfriend that I couldn't eat much of it. I used milk chocolate (his favorite) and we dipped bananas, strawberries, pound cake, brownies, and graham crackers in the pot.

Oh, did I mention that because boyfriend had a snow day yesterday and it was Valentine's Day that I decided I deserved a day off from the gym? Did I mention that we went out to dinner Tuesday and then stuffed ourselves with fondue (a dieter's worst nightmare) Wednesday night? I went to the gym this morning; it was hell on Earth. I mostly fast-walked because I couldn't stand running. I wish I could use the elliptical machine instead of the treadmill, but that machine is always the first to be taken.

I weighed myself right before my shower. Do you want to guess? No, of course you don't... because the results are too horrible to imagine! For the last 1.5 weeks of working out, of incorporating Slim Fast into every breakfast and lunch, I've GAINED TWO POUNDS!

I have lost absolutely nothing, my endurance isn't getting any better, and I'm really getting disappointed and losing my drive. I was having a hard time accepting that I hadn't lost any weight yet, but when I woke up this morning with two additional pounds, I just couldn't believe it. Maybe it's better to be a little plump around the edges. What do I have to do to lose weight!?!! Maybe now that all this Valentine's/chocolate/dining out business is done with I'll be fine and I should just chill out.... maybe...

How Do People Do It?

2007-02-13T07:31:00.000-05:00

Working out and waking up your body after 20-something years of slack and laziness is a difficult thing.

Days I've gone to the gym include last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and yesterday and today. I wake up from my warm, comfortable bed at 6am and haul my ass down to the gym (looking a little rough, might I add) where I sweat, gasp for breath and pray that I can astrally project my consciousness out of my body for the next 20 minutes.

For all this, I only burn about 160-180 calories.

Check out what 200 calories looks like. It's a half a bagel or two dinner rolls! Hell, 160 calories is one can of soda (if I decided not to drink diet... which I wouldn't... but that's not the point!). The point is that it's really a little discouraging. My waking up early, sweating and panting can all be for nothing SO easily. How am I supposed to lose weight?

I guess that over time my body will get more capable of running for longer periods of time or increasing the resistance. It's possible that so far I've lost one pound, but it's really hard to see the small notches on the scale, so I could be imagining it.

I'd really just like to look damn hot in a bikini before I get old...

Stay Away From the Light!

2007-02-12T15:36:00.001-05:00

Well, this past Friday I was determined not to fall asleep at 7pm, wake up at 11pm and then wonder where the night went - and I succeeded! Boyfriend and I went to the grocery store (we are so awesome), and I made a new recipe from my Kraft Food & Family magazine ( Super Smart Patty Melts), and then we played the Sopranos drinking game. Basically we drank during any cursing, when someone loses their temper, when someone gets killed, or when naked women appeared on screen. Man, it sounds so debaucherous when I say it like that... But, I'm not much of a drinker, so it really turned into a few drinks followed by the big sleep. Maybe I didn't succeed in my goal after all, but I gave it a new twist?

The Patty Melts turned out okay. My patties wouldn't stay together, so it became a bit of a loose meat sandwich. If I made it over again, I'd probably add some peppers to the burger, more onions, better cheese, and definitely some more spices. The Kraft recipes aren't the jazziest things, but it's good for someone like me who is slowly learning how to cook and doesn't want to buy 80,000 ingredients to make one meal. The magazines use things that most people have just laying around the kitchen, and if not, then they're easy to find and inexpensive.

Saturday was a bit of a bummer. I got my first migraine in 2.5 years. I thought it was a phase that was over and done with, but apparently not. Boyfriend and I were doing long overdue statistics problems while sitting on the bed. I got up to get some water, turned off a light that was on in the living room, and went back to the bedroom. When I sat down and looked at the book, I couldn't see it. It was like I stared at a lamp too long and now all I saw was a big, bright splotch in the center of my vision. I wasn't alarmed at first, I thought I had just looked at a light bulb and that it would pass. A few minutes later it was still there and had become more defined. The one line grew into a "C" shape, and it continued to flicker. Incase you don't know anything about migraines, this is the 'aura phase.' Wikipedia says,

Aura phase

"For the 20-30%[4][5] of migraineurs who suffer migraine with aura, the migraine aura is comprised of focal neurological phenomena that precede or accompany the attack. They appear gradually over 5 to 20 minutes and generally last less than 60 minutes. The headache phase of the migraine attack usually begins within 60 minutes of the end of the aura phase, but it is sometimes delayed up to several hours, and it can be missing entirely. Symptoms of migraine aura can be visual, sensory, or motor in nature.[6]

Visual aura is the most common of the neurological events. There is a disturbance of vision consisting usually of unformed flashes of white or rarely of multicolored lights (photopsia) or formations of dazzling zigzag lines (scintillating scotoma; often arranged like the battlements of a castle, hence the alternative terms "fortification spectra" or "teichopsia"). Some patients complain of blurred or shimmering or cloudy vision, as though they were looking through thick or smoked glass, or, in some cases, tunnel vision. The somatosensory aura of migraine consists of digitolingual or cheiro-oral paresthesias, a feeling of pins-and-needles experienced in the hand and arm as well as in the ipsilateral nose-mouth area. Paresthesia migrate up the arm and then extend to involve the face, lips and tongue.

Other symptoms of the aura phase can include auditory or olfactory hallucinations, aphasia, vertigo, tingling or numbness of the face and extremities, and hypersensitivity to touch.

The diagnosis of migraine without aura, according to the International Headache Society, can be made according to the following criteria - 5 or more attacks, 4 hours to 3 days in duration 2 or more of - unilateral location, pulsating quality, moderate to severe pain, aggravation by or avoidance of routine physical activity and 1 or more accompanying symptoms - nausea and/or vomiting, photophobia, phonophobia ("5, 4, 3, 2, 1 criteria"). For migraine with aura, only two attacks are required to justify the diagnosis."

In essence, it sucks. But, although I get the weird-ass aura that makes me think I'm going blind (yes, the first time I got one I called my boyfriend crying that I'd gone blind...), I DON'T get the searing, skull-smashing headache. I get a lmoderate headache afterwards, some barf feeling and dizziness. I do have to lay in bed for awhile, in the complete dark, preferably with no noise. But it doesn't last for days, at least.

So that was a bit of a disappointment. My best guess on how it starts is that it's somehow related to light/dark contrasts, such as walking from a dark room to a bright one, seeing bright light out of the corner of my eye when in a dim setting, etc. I don't think it's related to food. The times I remember what I was doing before I got one include: sitting in the dark looking at my computer (this was before I had an LCD screen), driving at night, being on a boat with the bright sun reflecting off the waves, walking from my dimly lit dorm room to the hall shower with flourescent lighting, and waking up in a beach house with all the blinds open and light streaming in from all sides.

I've been to eye doctors about this (when I thought I was going blind and no one knew what was wrong with me, although the last eye doctor I saw about this was shocked that no one had known; he said it's a "classic migraine, DUH!"), but I've never been to a family physician/internal medicine doctor about it. I don't want daily medicine since it only happens once in a while. And I have a friend whose father is a neurologist and he once told his son, "My job is great! People pay me $200/hour for me to tell them that modern medicine has no idea what causes migraines!" So I figure I'll hold on to my money.

I bought a curtain rod at Target for the bedroom window. Hopefully this will keep it a little more dim so that I don't have another migraine. I'd like it to be another 2.5 years - AT LEAST.

The Fanciest Dinner I Will Ever Have

2007-02-09T07:22:00.000-05:00

First, I can't figure out why I'm so shocked by Anna Nicole Smith's death! I had to keep refreshing the news websites just to make sure that it wasn't a hoax. It's wild!

But in other news, I was feeling like a celebrity this week. It was my boyfriend's parents' anniversary, and instead of going on a mini vacation they decided to go to one of the best places to eat in the world - The Inn at Little Washington.

Not only that, we didn't sit in the dining room with everyone else. They had reserved the best table in the house, the kitchen table! When they opened the doors for us that lead into the kitchen, all of the chefs were standing at attention until we were seated. The head chef came out to shake our hands and greet us. Gregorian chants were playing and bounced around the church-like ceiling. It really felt like walking into a sacred place, and the chefs were intense!

Describing it doesn't really do any good, because when I heard about it beforehand I still didn't get it. Pictures won't do it justice, either... but I have to post them (just a sample... There were four courses between six people and I took photos of everything). It was an enchanting night. It probably also completely counteracted my hard work at the gym Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday morning as well as my light eating habits. But it was a once in a lifetime opportunity (no, it really was, the kitchen table alone cost $300... not including any food or drink).

The front of the Inn.

My Carpaccio of Herb Crusted Baby Lamb with Tabouli and Rosemary Mustard. I ate quite a few baby animals... don't judge! Once in a lifetime opportunity!!

My Macaroni and Cheese with Virginia Ham and White Truffles - very awesome!

Painter's Palette of Homemade Sorbets - beautiful!

My Dessert - Chocolate Mint Fantasy: Mint Ice Cream Festooned with Chocolate Streamers

The sitting area where we waited before the kitchen was ready for us.

And, what my boyfriend described as - awesomely creepy Rococo monkey murals.

Good news for people who love good news

2007-02-07T07:38:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned before that I was in a co-ed service fraternity in college. In this group you have big brothers and sisters (referred to simply as "bigs") who act as mentors and help welcome you (this service fraternity is very different from a social fraternity, we had parties and social events... but it really wasn't Animal House).

I had three bigs, one of them I clicked with particularly well. She's the one who inspired me to go to law school and follow in her footsteps (I don't hold a grudge!). She got me my first internship. And a few times when I've visited family up north I made it a point to visit her as well.

Yesterday she got engaged! She's been dating her now fiance for a couple of years; he was also a member of the same service fraternity but he graduated even a few more years before I even got there. My friend just graduated from law school in May, and her new fiance graduated from Harvard law one or two years ago... they're so fancy I could puke!

But really, I'm very excited because while I've known people who have gotten married, people I've been friends with at different times, this is the first time for me that someone I would call a good friend is getting married.

She told me once before that she didn't want to get married or have kids, so hopefully he didn't use some sort of mind-altering drug on her. I'm psyched for them, and I really hope I get an invite to the wedding!

Party Cake

2007-02-06T09:23:00.001-05:00

So scrolling through my blog this morning, I noticed that THE HELL WITH THAT began in February 2006. It's been about one year of blogging (give or take a few days, I didn't go far enough to look up the actual date this began). This blog helped me work out many of the concerns I was having about being in law school. It gave me a place to project.

I'd say it's been an interesting year. Some of the biggest decisions/problems of my life occurred in this year. Aside from law school (which I now rarely think about and never miss),

I moved in with my boyfriend,
I'm thankful for this every day. Living together is great. We're not kids any more. He doesn't have to drive me home at night and watch me unlock the door to make sure I got in okay. We don't have to say goodbye. I can make him dinner, we can take care of eachother. We're working on our future.

One of my best friends got very sick,
I don't remember if it was the end of May or in June when they found out. Since then there have been a number of treatments, and I really thought we were out of the woods. Unfortunately it's not over yet and some different, more dangerous, treatments are going to be used. I'm not going to say more for obvious privacy concerns, but I can't help mentioning that it's on my mind frequently.

Peace was made with an old friend,
I can't say "I made peace with an old friend" because I really had little to do with it. Maybe you remember me mentioning that my name had appeared on someone's blog, I grew irritated about it and I emailed them to have it removed (after we hadn't spoken in about seven years). To my extreme surprise, he responded with explanations and apologies for why things turned so sour and cold. When you can actually get closure on the end of a relationship instead of just dirty looks and "we grew apart," it's pretty nice. I feel like I can finally put all those feelings to bed. I don't have to get a little anxious when I drive by his house, I don't have to worry that he's still writing angry songs and blog entries and posting them on the internet, and I don't have to be afraid if I run into him at a restaurant or the movies because he won't go nuts in my face.

I look and listen,
Instead of repeating the same mistakes I made on entering law school (not listening to myself, clinging to a plan just because it's a plan, etc.), I've actually explored a few career options and even tried out a few things. I'm looking before I leap; it's new.

I'm standing up,
Instead of hiding my head in the sand with my family issues, I'm trying to find answers, resolutions, and maybe even eventually let it all go.

and, I'm good.
If much of my life was made up of feeling sorry for myself, feeling guilty, wanting to fit in, trying out so many different images, thinking I understood everything, and apologizing for myself, then I'm happy to say that I'm finally "over it." Maybe not 100%, but then I'd go with at least 99%. If I've made bad choices, then I've also made some excellent ones. If I'm not perfect, then I'm a hell of a lot better than many of the ways I could have turned out. In my perfect world, there are a few other things I'd like to be doing that I'm not (studying for the GRE, reading more, art classes), but I've got time. And, I'm happy.

'The Office' Miis

2007-02-05T15:41:00.001-05:00

Holy crap! These 'The Office' Miis for Nintendo Wii are incredible! Many of them look just like 'The Office' cast.

My favorites are Jim, Kevin and Dwight!

Being a kid

2007-02-05T11:22:00.001-05:00

Saturday afternoon boyfriend and I made a quick trip home for a friend's birthday. Turns out he was having a family dinner that night, so we couldn't see him for a little while. But, boyfriend's parents were having some family friends over for dinner and game night.

It's always funny to watch parents get hammered. Mine don't really drink, but his parents sure are fun when they're on the juice. The family friends brought over their kids (1 freshman in college, 1 sophomore in high school, and the sophomore in high school's best friend). Boyfriend and I were put at the "kid's table," which was slightly awkward.

It got me thinking about raising kids. Such small things can have huge influences on kids. For example, the way my parents were made me have very low self-esteem and act out, but I could only act out so much because of how strict they were (early curfew, no riding in other people's cars, etc). A girl I was good friends with back in the day, Lauren, had parents that were very manipulative and took religion too far. But they didn't keep very good track of her, so she was always going downtown, hanging out with older men, etc. Any small shift could have dramatically change the choices she and I made.

These family friends are middle class, one is a high school teacher and the other does something with finance, but their kids (both boys) made me sad. They're in a punk stage... dyed hair, occasional makeup, making comments about how depressed they are, and not doing anything unless it has to do with art or music. The son still in high school has failed two core courses and is repeating them. And the son who is trying to get into art school pulled out a life drawing that really wasn't at the level it needs to be.

I'm not trying to crap on anyone's parenting abilities (I haven't been there yet so I have no idea what it's like), but I'm baffled as to how these parents can have kids who are so unmotivated to the point of failing some important high school classes, especially since one of them is a teacher. They joked about how all he does is skateboard, but if his grades and morale are that bad – shouldn't the skateboarding be at a minimum?

Of course I know nothing about the situation aside from what I saw that evening, and I'm not saying I could do a better job with these kids. It just got me thinking about how I hope I will be a good parent who fosters some interest in the world in my kids. At least I hope that my children are good people (kind, compassionate, and caring about others).

It's hard being a kid. I remember having a chip on my shoulder, thinking no one in the world understood me, and acting in sometimes pretty self-destructive ways. The world does seem different through adult eyes. For one thing, I enjoyed eating my asparagus during the dinner! I'm not concerned with seeming cool, something that consumed me and most other kids during middle and high school.. maybe even some college. I hope that these kids find out that having the image they're going for isn't the most important thing in the entire world. It's not even close.

I'd Do Anything For A Free T-shirt

2007-02-01T09:17:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was pretty sweet. I saw a friend's google talk message read, "free t-shirts, who's in?"

Now, if you know me, you know I love free t-shirts. My casual wardrobe consists mostly of 5k t-shirts from college (keep in mind, I have never run a 5k). So I jumped at this message.

She forwarded me an email saying that the first 200 people to order a burrito at Chipotle after 3pm would get a free t-shirt. I forwarded it to a bunch of friends, including one of my more skeptical friends. She didn't believe that it could be all the Chipotles. She thought, maybe just one or two. She actually called Chipotle to confirm!

Now, I had already gone over a bit on my lunch break since an out of town friend came by to visit. But, sometimes sacrifices must be made. And fortuitously, my boss had a meeting in another city at 3pm.

I sat on the window ledge and watched until I saw his car go around the corner. Then I recruited as many co-workers as I could to journey down the street to Chipotle. We didn't get the burritos we wanted exactly...

Me: "Can I have refried beans?"
Chipotle employee: "Yes."
Me: "So, can I have refried beans?"
CE: "Yes, do you want these? (holding the spoon to the black beans)"
Me: "No, refried beans."
CE: "You want these? (still in the black beans)"
Me: "fine..... (defeated)."

#@*$@*!!! It's cool, I march on.

The back of the t-shirt says, "I'd do anything for a burrito." It lies. I wouldn't actually do much for a burrito. I like burritos a lot (mostly ones with refried beans...), but free t-shirts have a special place in my heart.