We Have a Rooster in the Hen House

Any female reading this blog will quickly see that I am a sham of a female.

For starters, I don't and never will wax my eyebrows or go tanning (ah, a glorious subject for another day), I don't enjoy glaming it up for the bars, small talk and gossip make me cranky and irritable, I hate shopping... especially for shoes, when on a date I never order a salad, I'd rather play video games than watch romantic comedies, and I didn't know who or what Louis Vuitton/Kate Spade/or Coach were until about three years ago.

Let's face it, I took a serious fall out of the girl bandwagon quite some time ago. This is why it shouldn't shock anyone that when a bridal shower invitation came for me yesterday I said, "what's a bridal shower?"

Not that I'd never heard of them before, I have. But I never understood exactly what it was or why they exist. Baby showers I understand; bridal showers I do not. Wikipedia says,

The custom of the bridal shower is said to have grown out of earlier dowry practices when a poor woman's family might not have the money to provide a dowry for her, or when a father refused to give his daughter her dowry because he did not approve of the marriage. In such situations, friends of the woman would gather together and bring gifts that would compensate for the dowry and allow her to marry the man of her choice.

Ok, that's great and all. But I don't think that this woman's family is poor, nor do I think that there is any disapproval going on. So why do we have to pamper the bride more than she's already being pampered? Weddings require gifts, travel, new attire, and hours and hours of sitting attentively. Why the bridal shower, too? Isn't enough enough?

Googling around for more information on bridal showers I really found some gems:

All of the guests brought their favorite bottle of wine and we served fruit and crackers and cheese for the appetizers, everyone loved it. We also had all the guests write down their "recipe for a happy marriage" on recipe cards and put them in a recipe box for the bride.

That's a great idea! Always take advice from other people on what's best for you and how to relate to and communicate with your spouse! Trusting yourself leads to making your own decisions. Clearly, other people always know better than you. In fact, they know so much that you should make a big deal out of having them write their advice on a fancy little card mimicking recipes. When in doubt or, God forbid, a fight, quickly run to your handy Happy Marriage Recipe Box and certainly the answer will be inside.

Also, I typed up and framed cute sayings, quotes, and stories about marriage and put one on each table. The bride got to take these home to use the frames as she wished.

If there's one thing I know, it's that cute sayings and quotes about marriage are always accurate and precious. I hope that on my lucky day I receive several of these in a frame. The frame is important; it makes the little saying just hard enough to chuck at unsuspecting guests.

Gift Ideas: Teddies, Nightgowns, Underwear, Bathrobes

In all seriousness, I approve of teddies and underwear well enough. Do I want them as gifts? Sure, they're ridiculously expensive. Do I want to open them in front of 40 of my closest female friends including relatives? Jesus, no. Do I want to watch someone else open them? Again, no... no....

But aside from showers, here's the advice you really need when planning your wedding. I'm glad that someone as ignorant as me could find it - I wouldn't want to make a faux pas!

If you don't want children at your wedding, you have 2 options:

* When addressing your invitations, leave the children's names off it and also don't mention them in the invitation.
* Have friends and family pass the word around that you don't want children there.

Thank God there's a civil way to deal with those pesky kids. I wouldn't want them messing up my special day when I'm supposed to be pampered, worshipped, and fawned over. Well, it's really more than a day.. there is also that shower business, of course.