Oceanview
Yes, I've been more than M. I. A.
There was a huge project at work causing me to clock almost 60 hours the other week. There are some aspects of the project that are still going on, but the big push should ( should) be mostly over. Right after that, I took my first vacation since starting my job.
I was at the beach from last Wednesday until Sunday. It was pretty damn cold there (even though for some reason it was hot everywhere else), but I still had a really nice time. I met my family there and we stayed in a beautiful, huge beach house. We'd been there before about 5 years ago, and they'd made several excellent renovations on the house, especially to the particular room I was staying in.
I met my brother's new girlfriend as well. She is, astonishingly, a lot like him. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet; things are progressing rapidly! She lives in a different state (they met via a mutual friend's Myspace page), and this was only their second meeting in person. She has already made plans to move in with him in the next few months. It's even more serious than that, but I probably shouldn't go into more detail. Let's just say, "holy shit!" and leave it at that.
The time away was great but of course too short. It's so easy to feel completely light and free at the beach. Even the sun has such a dramatic effect on my state of mind. The drive back from the beach was absolutely gorgeous... windows down, music turned up, I felt confident and impervious... not about anything in particular, but I was okay with not knowing what's going to happen next.
I want so badly to hold on to those feelings. I want to be able to shrug things off that happen at work. I'd like to keep this job, no matter if it's an intense period it is, as "just a job." When I get too wrapped up then things start to spiral out of control. I start to feel strapped down, cornered, and not good enough. I'd love to go into more detail, but I've read too much about people being fired for their blogs, no matter how anonymous I keep it.
My brother's new girlfriend's Myspace page references a site that talks about what a parent goes through when they have a disabled child. I don't know anything about what that would be like for someone, but I think the passage is relevant to other life experiences as well. When I was in high school and college I certainly had a view that I was working towards X. I didn't know what X was, but I was sure I'd get there. Almost like magic, I believed that by the time I graduated I would have accumulated a great amount of knowledge, be an expert in my field of study, be more confident and have a good sense of what I want. Aren't these the myths we're brought up with? Go to college, find yourself, and everything will be okay?
Lately I see lots of literature talking about the struggles of people in their mid-twenties. It seems silly and embarrassing; we're at the age where we should be having the time of our lives, right? Why should we feel sorry for ourselves?
But we do. We don't know what to do with all that has been given to us. We don't know how to move on without losing something important. We've spent our whole lives looking to the future; living in the present just isn't as perfect as our dreams. Maybe, like in the " Welcome to Holland" story, the pain of losing the dream never fully goes away.
My boyfriend and I were recently recounting how some things just don't seem as sweet. In college, every evening spent hanging out with friends was the best evening ever. Now when you're spending time with friends or family, there's a nagging in the back of your mind, a remembering that you can't linger here.. there is work, you have bills, and there's no going back. It's harder to surround yourself with people who share your goals and values.
At the beach, the ocean roar drives out those voices that hold you back and make you afraid. I hope I never forget the ways that it makes me feel and the things it makes me realize that I value... simplicity, simplicity, simplicity... quiet, calm... simple joys... compassion, love, and some spontaneity. We have so much to lose by not knowing ourselves. We can never gain back the years we lose to fear, stress, and worry.
There was a huge project at work causing me to clock almost 60 hours the other week. There are some aspects of the project that are still going on, but the big push should ( should) be mostly over. Right after that, I took my first vacation since starting my job.
I was at the beach from last Wednesday until Sunday. It was pretty damn cold there (even though for some reason it was hot everywhere else), but I still had a really nice time. I met my family there and we stayed in a beautiful, huge beach house. We'd been there before about 5 years ago, and they'd made several excellent renovations on the house, especially to the particular room I was staying in.
I met my brother's new girlfriend as well. She is, astonishingly, a lot like him. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet; things are progressing rapidly! She lives in a different state (they met via a mutual friend's Myspace page), and this was only their second meeting in person. She has already made plans to move in with him in the next few months. It's even more serious than that, but I probably shouldn't go into more detail. Let's just say, "holy shit!" and leave it at that.
The time away was great but of course too short. It's so easy to feel completely light and free at the beach. Even the sun has such a dramatic effect on my state of mind. The drive back from the beach was absolutely gorgeous... windows down, music turned up, I felt confident and impervious... not about anything in particular, but I was okay with not knowing what's going to happen next.
I want so badly to hold on to those feelings. I want to be able to shrug things off that happen at work. I'd like to keep this job, no matter if it's an intense period it is, as "just a job." When I get too wrapped up then things start to spiral out of control. I start to feel strapped down, cornered, and not good enough. I'd love to go into more detail, but I've read too much about people being fired for their blogs, no matter how anonymous I keep it.
My brother's new girlfriend's Myspace page references a site that talks about what a parent goes through when they have a disabled child. I don't know anything about what that would be like for someone, but I think the passage is relevant to other life experiences as well. When I was in high school and college I certainly had a view that I was working towards X. I didn't know what X was, but I was sure I'd get there. Almost like magic, I believed that by the time I graduated I would have accumulated a great amount of knowledge, be an expert in my field of study, be more confident and have a good sense of what I want. Aren't these the myths we're brought up with? Go to college, find yourself, and everything will be okay?
Lately I see lots of literature talking about the struggles of people in their mid-twenties. It seems silly and embarrassing; we're at the age where we should be having the time of our lives, right? Why should we feel sorry for ourselves?
But we do. We don't know what to do with all that has been given to us. We don't know how to move on without losing something important. We've spent our whole lives looking to the future; living in the present just isn't as perfect as our dreams. Maybe, like in the " Welcome to Holland" story, the pain of losing the dream never fully goes away.
My boyfriend and I were recently recounting how some things just don't seem as sweet. In college, every evening spent hanging out with friends was the best evening ever. Now when you're spending time with friends or family, there's a nagging in the back of your mind, a remembering that you can't linger here.. there is work, you have bills, and there's no going back. It's harder to surround yourself with people who share your goals and values.
At the beach, the ocean roar drives out those voices that hold you back and make you afraid. I hope I never forget the ways that it makes me feel and the things it makes me realize that I value... simplicity, simplicity, simplicity... quiet, calm... simple joys... compassion, love, and some spontaneity. We have so much to lose by not knowing ourselves. We can never gain back the years we lose to fear, stress, and worry.
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