Unqualified
They say that bad things always look better in the morning, but what happens when they don't? Last night I took another BIO exam and, as has been my pattern lately, I didn't do well at all. I'm not saying, "Oh, no, I got a B!" I'm saying bad.
I'm desperate to pull off an acceptable grade in this class and the PSYCH class. The second half of the BIO class (fall semester) starts August 22, even though the current two classes I'm taking don't end until September 10. I don't see any possible way I could finish either of the classes before August 22, and I would start this new BIO class being behind again, as usual. So last night, although I didn't want to at all, I dropped the second half of the BIO class.
It's terrifying. It means that I probably won't be able to go to grad school Fall '08 because I won't have enough prerequisites under my belt. It's terrifying also because I don't know when I will be able to take more classes. Spring and Summer '08 are already looking insane. Let's think about what my Spring '08 will look like - four weddings, lots of wedding showers including my own, wedding planning all over the place... I just don't know how it would work. Then that summer is our wedding, and obviously I can't be taking classes in the thick of that! What if they change the book by the time I'm able to take the class and I wasted almost $1,000? What if I forget everything about bones and joints and muscles? What if, what if... my mind is racing.
I'm struggling so much right now. I don't have a good amount of time to study, this weekend is packed with various wedding vendor appointments, and I feel like I'm suffocating. Taking classes when you're working full-time at a stressful job is a whole different ball game than being a full-time student. I give part-time students SO MUCH credit. I had absolutely no idea how difficult it is. Obviously the study methods I'm using right now aren't working.
My brain keeps wanting to fast forward to a future that has me working a crappy lame job like this forever and never being able to do something that makes me happy. It's a melodramatic thought, fine, but isn't that what most blogs are about? A little melodrama? A little self-indulgence? Maybe I just need to chill... if it takes longer to get there, then it takes longer to get there. But the thought of starting a family while in school sounds pretty awful to me. I guess I feel like I'm getting older and have nothing to show for it. As I said in a previous entry, my history degree means very little in the 'real world.' I don't know where I'm going or what we're doing and I am scared.
I'm desperate to pull off an acceptable grade in this class and the PSYCH class. The second half of the BIO class (fall semester) starts August 22, even though the current two classes I'm taking don't end until September 10. I don't see any possible way I could finish either of the classes before August 22, and I would start this new BIO class being behind again, as usual. So last night, although I didn't want to at all, I dropped the second half of the BIO class.
It's terrifying. It means that I probably won't be able to go to grad school Fall '08 because I won't have enough prerequisites under my belt. It's terrifying also because I don't know when I will be able to take more classes. Spring and Summer '08 are already looking insane. Let's think about what my Spring '08 will look like - four weddings, lots of wedding showers including my own, wedding planning all over the place... I just don't know how it would work. Then that summer is our wedding, and obviously I can't be taking classes in the thick of that! What if they change the book by the time I'm able to take the class and I wasted almost $1,000? What if I forget everything about bones and joints and muscles? What if, what if... my mind is racing.
I'm struggling so much right now. I don't have a good amount of time to study, this weekend is packed with various wedding vendor appointments, and I feel like I'm suffocating. Taking classes when you're working full-time at a stressful job is a whole different ball game than being a full-time student. I give part-time students SO MUCH credit. I had absolutely no idea how difficult it is. Obviously the study methods I'm using right now aren't working.
My brain keeps wanting to fast forward to a future that has me working a crappy lame job like this forever and never being able to do something that makes me happy. It's a melodramatic thought, fine, but isn't that what most blogs are about? A little melodrama? A little self-indulgence? Maybe I just need to chill... if it takes longer to get there, then it takes longer to get there. But the thought of starting a family while in school sounds pretty awful to me. I guess I feel like I'm getting older and have nothing to show for it. As I said in a previous entry, my history degree means very little in the 'real world.' I don't know where I'm going or what we're doing and I am scared.
1 Comments:
I know you're scared, but this isn't the end of the world. Seriously, it isn't. You are doing big things and being wise about pacing yourself.
You will not be stuck in a crap job the rest of your life, I know it. It may not run perfectly to schedule and it will be harder than you thought, but you can do it. One.thing.at.a.time.
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